COLUMN: Beware the computer pirates
History repeats itself. True. Modern technology contains interesting metaphors to the past. Taking a tour into the past on a large pirate ship will reveal the lingo, or slang, used aboard. That slang and some of the terms go hand in hand with the modern miracle of computers.
Computer hackers are the pirates of today. They don’t survive the surf of the ocean, but thrive on the surf of the Web. Here are some of the more-intriguing parallels from the swashbuckling days of the Dread Pirate Roberts and Blackbeard to the anonymous guest in the chat room and your uncle’s cousin’s friend’s former roommate (because it’s always someone else doing the hacking).
Patches – To fix injuries or cover a missing eye; or fill in Microsoft’s mistakes.
Port – A place of exchange, i.e.: Dock the boat, drink beers and find women; or plug in the let’s say, scanHer.
Mutiny – A rebellion against authority, an upheaval including torches and missing teeth; or evasion from the FBI for the missing Kennedy files some “geek” has in his bedroom.
Domain – A territory owned or ruled, an area of water owned or ruled by a hook-yielding captain; or memory allocation nobody better mess with, “Argh, ’tis mine.”
Map – A guide from one place to another, a chart of the open seas and mysterious islands; or many bits forming that picture plundered from Clipart.com
Hidden Treasure – A collection of valuables, a pirate’s retirement fund consisting of jewels, gold coins, crowns and parrot feed; or that long-sought-after, pre-released mp3 or movie.
Ghost – An invisible presence, an afterlife guard of hidden treasure (see definition above); or a cruel manipulation of your roommate’s computer, “Bwahaha.”
Peg – The formation or reconstruction of an original limb, shoeless walking stick for a physically-challenged pirate; or copy of an original movie, TV show, VHS format to a digital version.
Ram – A sheep with head-yielding power, to run head on into an unsuspecting sea goer’s ship; or the faster the ram, the more power to shock someone’s intellect.
Cook – A culinary artist technician engineer, a hired mush maker; or to fry someone’s motherboard to an irreparable degree.
Mouse – Singular for mice and miniature for rat, an undesired stowaway stealing all the crew members’ eggs; or the influential device gripped and equipped with a laser and buttons, power at the fingertips.
Scroll – Rolled up ancient writing, captain’s log with star dates focused on the North Star; or “inadvertently” take a quick peek at that top-secret information.
Fire – The ancient caveman miracle, to set the victim’s ship ablaze never to return to home port; or a wall of prevention protecting a company or corporation.
Cannon – Forced imprint, a pirate’s first impression; or a technological advancement used for obtaining “special documents.”
Before you think pirating ended with the invention of the airplane, take a look around and see if you can’t identify the symptoms and behavior of the new pirating community (if you can find them out of their cabins). Common symptoms include, but are not limited to, long hair, thick glasses (flat on the top, round on the bottom), wrist guards, failing social interaction, claim to know another language, brags about a new acquisition on e-Bay, has beaten every video game never played, spends life savings on computer upgrades, has a knockout Internet girlfriend and hasn’t seen the sun for two or more weeks.
As in history, there are good and bad pirates. Beware matey.