COLUMN: Beware ye of the pride cycle

1. And now behold, it came to pass that I, Dan, did feel compelled to write a column for my brethren to read. For last year I had written them and exhorted them that they should attend the Howl. And I was pleased.

2. Therefore I did take up the word processor and commence to write my brethren again, and I did use the same language as the column before; yea, I did liken my language to the scriptures. And I did this for their benefit, that they might read my words and be amused.

3. Behold, it came to pass that in the Fourth year of the reign of Kermit, that a great disturbance came to plague the children of men, and a conflict did arise among the students. For in those people’s minds were turned toward politics and political issues, and they did argue one with another regarding the issues, each in his own manner.

4. And behold, there were many issues argued, but none so greatly as the issue of gay marriage. For some did contend that it was right and proper that one man should marry another, yea, or one woman another. And others did contend that this was wrong, that it was contrary to the definition of family.

5. And every man, yea, and women also took a side in the argument, each according to his own opinion. And they did debate hotly one with another over the issue.

6. And the contention did escalate, even to the throwing of wedding cake at each other. And this was grievous to many of us, for it is not meet that wedding cake should be used as a weapon.

7. And students wrote many letters to the editor, that they might make their feelings known to each other. And everyone made an argument in their letters, saying ‘Lo, this is bad,’ or ‘thou art ignorant,’ each to the degree of their understanding and opinion. And they did mock each other’s letters.

8. Wherefore, as it was student paper, there was a place where it was meet that opinions should be published. And the editors did publish these opinions. Nevertheless, it did wax old, and people did tire of these opinions. Yeah, the opinion page was cumbersome with arguments that were not heeded. And though their letters persuaded not a person, still the letters were published. Yeah, and there was nothing new under the sun.

9. For behold, this debate did rage every fall, beginning with the days when gay men and women did celebrate their gaiety. And from then until Christmas break, the people did exhort one another, and laid claim to Absolute Truth about how their brethren should act.

10. And though this debate was tiresome, nevertheless, the people did not realize the oldness of their shenanigans, and did continue to voice their opinions as though they had something new to say about it.

11. And I did exhort my brethren to cease the argument. For it was as useless as arguing politics, wherein everyone considers themselves right, and none listen one to another. And I did quote the words of Rodney King, saying, ‘Men and brethren, can’t we all just get along?’

12. For I ask you, everything that can be said about gay marriage has been said, wherefore what more can be said that has not been said? Is there not anything else to complain about? But I fear that many will not hearken unto my words, and will continue to strive one against another. Nevertheless, I make an end to my writings. Amen.

Dan Wamsley is a senior majoring in technical writing. Comments can be sent to slqzk@cc.usu.edu.