COLUMN: Blaine and John – Exposed
After all you’ve read you feel like you know them, and for some reason, you just want to hear more about them. They are the adventurous duo that weekly do strange things no one would believe … and it all began with a curling incident.
Well, it wasn’t really an incident in my opinion; more like a small oversight that brought Blaine and John into my column. After I wrote about my experience curling at the Eccles Ice Center, John was crestfallen that I never mentioned him as the source of my ride to the ice sheet. Oops.
I bet John now wishes he had never grumbled, because now I have free reign to say what I want about him and publicly call him funny things like Weasel Puke, even though he politely asked me to refrain using that name indefinitely. Oops.
I find it amusing that since I started printing Blaine and John in my column, no matter how foolish I portray them, other folks have been begging me to get their names in the paper. After much deliberation I’ve decided to succumb to the petitioners’ countless demands, at least the ones I can remember: Megan, Sabrina, Jared, Aubrey, Megan, Ryan, Nicole, Julie, Alvin, Simon, Theodore, Bert, Ernie, Donatello, Marvin the Martian, Captain Caveman, The Riddler, Optimus Prime, Gargamel, ALF, Jack Bauer, and all the Doozers at Fraggle Rock. Y’all are welcome! Now each of you owe me five bucks.
If I had to describe Blaine and John with one word, I suppose it would be “paedomorphic,” a word you would think derives from “paedo,” meaning child, and “morph,” meaning mutating frequently. When I look at Blaine, however, I never see any signs that he is growing any extra toes or a prehensile tail, so “paedomorphic” must actually mean something else; I just can’t be bothered to look it up.
When Blaine and John’s silly behavior and my impeccable humor combine, we form Captain Stupid, which is what I’ve just now officially decided to call it when we do anything odd. Kinda like the time when it was 3 degrees outside back in November and we decided to play handball in the Institute’s covered parking lot just after midnight.
The hotly contested battle caused an abundance of trash talking, but then John actually started playing well, so Blaine and I threw the ball at him. I, of course, won. We hope to have a rematch soon, probably when it is 9 degrees below zero. New rules are expected to be introduced like kicking anyone with red hair every other point and enforcing a dress code limited to some form of pajamas. Date TBA. Spectators are welcome.
By far, some of my favorite moments with Blaine and John have been when John and I randomly visit Blaine at work, or at least what he chooses to call “work.” Usually we will arrive eating some sort of confectionery delight, but just enough so Blaine doesn’t get any. He never gets mad, but I have the fear that one day he will get even.
John whined a lot one night at Blaine’s work because I got to climb a cool ladder when we were throwing a Frisbee, but he soon had the last laugh when I was consigned to wash a wall. We decided to help some leftover staff in the building and hung a giant sign advertising a spelling bee. John adroitly recognized that the word “antennae” was ironically misspelled on the sign, so he was convinced he could win the bee the next day.
Sure enough, John entered the competition and Captain Stupid was complete as Blaine and I arrived to jeer him on … I mean cheer. John did well and got into the top 10 by amazingly spelling words like “dog” and “apple.” Blaine and I rigged the finals to include words like “misspell,” “choke,” and “wraith,” so, of course, John got
eliminated.
A couple weeks later we found out that we as a triumvirate, are great performers in addition to being fond of dumb ideas. The setting: John’s birthday dinner. The atmosphere: somewhere Chinese. The people paying: John’s grandparents. Other details: Uncle Spence was there. Hardly any food was consumed at the table as Blaine, John, and I somehow turned a relaxing dinner into what John’s grandma would later describe as an incredible “comedy hour.” I could swear that I even saw some rice jettisoning out of someone’s nose.
Since this incident we have realized that in conversation with a minimum of at least two members of Captain Stupid, attentions are drawn, people are amused and everybody eventually goes away wanting to hear more. This documented fact is, of course, why we get invited to an amazing number of parties.
One of the hippest had to be the party that included the most exciting basketball game ever recorded! To be continued …
When not writing amazing thrillers, Garrett Wheeler studies electrical engineering. Any ideas on how this story should be continued can be sent to wheel@cc.usu.edu.