COLUMN: Breeding prompts irrational fear of TV
Contrary to the advice of the masses, I bred.
Way back when I was a wee lad – and by wee, I mean 17 and five days – my best friend told me it was in the world’s best interest that I not breed. Well, I sure screwed that up.
Not only have I bred, but this kid will soon become corrupted by the media, which will have a cascading effect that will make it so the Phoenix never flies and the Vulcans never discover we can travel faster than light and then Star Trek will never happen in real life. Wow, that’s a lot to answer to just for having a child.
It all started back in March. It was a wonderful time in my life, except the snow was still falling and my wife was suddenly very sick each morning. I knew one of two things had happened: either she was going through metamorphosis to turn into a polar bear to survive the cold or she was pregnant.
A quick trip to the vampire, I mean doctor, revealed the news to me: we were pregnant. That’s an interesting phrase – we are pregnant. There’s no we involved in this. I’m not getting a bigger stomach – well, I am, but not for the same reasons – my poor wife has to go through all the hard times while I stand nearby with a smile on my face that says, yup, that’s my handiwork.
Honestly, I am excited that we’re pregnant. I know even though I am breeding against popular demand, I will soon have a child of my own to corrupt, rather than corrupting my nephews.
But as the months have gone by and the due date slowly approaches, I have become nervous. Being a father will be a lot of responsibility and will require many changes, and that’s got me more than a little worried.
No, I’m not worried about the whole changing diapers thing – though I still don’t see the difference between Huggies and Depends – or the waking up at 2 a.m. to a screaming child or even how to put on those impossibly small baby socks.
I’m terrified of children’s television programs.
Laugh if you want, but I’m serious. When I was a child, television was a simple daily routine that slowly rotted my brains out. The day would start with a couple hours of “Sesame Street,” which would transition to “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood” and then it would all be topped off with a healthy dose of “Reading Rainbow.”
But when my daughter starts watching TV, her viewing options will be very different.
Instead of watching Big Bird explain the letter of the day – by the way, this column is brought to you by the letter Q, as in quick, stop reading this while you still can – my daughter will watch a gray medium-sized bird teach the importance of being tolerant to others in Sesame Street: Detroit Edition.
She will also have the option of viewing CSI: Sesame Street, the latest in the emotionally-gripping CSI series, where Kermit the Frog looks for clues of The Count’s latest number crimes, like solving a sudoku.
Seriously, if these were the shows she could watch, I wouldn’t feel so bad. But, the shows she will actually probably watch are worse – much worse.
Take for instance, the “Wonder Pets.” Watching that show for five minutes will leave a permanent impression in your brain of the theme song: “Wonder Pets, Wonder Pets, we’re on our way, to help the baby kitty and save the day…” I find myself singing it in the shower sometimes and feel like I have to wash myself again with some sort of hydrochloric acid to get myself clean.
I’m pretty sure “Wonder Pets” was made by the creators of “South Park,” seeing as these animals use the same animation technology. Basically, they realized if they edited out the profanity and the blood and the mooning and … well, pretty much the whole show, they could create a children’s show that is more disturbing than Kenny getting killed each episode. Though I still hold out hope that dumb turtle will die.
Even worse than the “Wonder Pets” is “Dora the Explorer.” Sure, it’s great that this little Latino girl has her own show in the digital world with a monkey named Boots and a talking backpack and a bandit fox named Swiper and … does this not strike anyone else as an LSD trip?
Dora goes on a new adventure each day and tries to encourage participation from the viewers. It’s amusing to watch children chime in the answers, but it only works for the first few times. My five-year-old sister-in-law watches Dora religiously – armed with her Dora icon and Diego candles – and has long since stopped answering Dora’s questions, knowing that Dora will tell her the answer anyway. If anything, Dora promotes laziness in children. Isn’t MTV going to do that anyway in a few more years?
And another thing, where are Dora’s parents? Come on, who lets their child roam around with a monkey, especially in a digital world where she is in danger of random mouse clicks? And how did she get her hands on a map? Didn’t Miss South Carolina explicitly state that there’s a map shortage?
From “Dora the Explorer,” she will move on to the “Backyardigans,” “Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!,” “Caillou,” “Dragon Tales,” “Pokemon,” iCarly,” “Hannah Montana” and then the next thing I know, my daughter will be glued to the television set for the season finale of Americon Idol 37, screaming her undying love for David Archuleta, who decides to make a return guest appearance and this time wins.
This is not an encouraging future. I know too much media exposure at a young age is bad for kids, and with the shows available, the inevitable ending is always “American Idol” or “Dawson’s Creek.” So, in order to prevent this, I’ll only ever let my daughter watch BBC. But then she’ll think the British are funny. Dang it.
That’s it girl, no TV, you’re grounded!
Seth Hawkins is a senior majoring in public relations who plans on raising his daughter to love watching college football on Saturdays. Questions and comments can be sent to him at seth.h@aggiemail.usu.edu