COLUMN: Brilliant advice on summer employment
I know that during this stressful last month of classes, there are a lot of things you’d rather not think about. Sometimes with all of the papers and tests coming your way, you set aside issues that would usually be important to you. Keeping this in mind, I would normally address pressing subjects like the Monkey Conspiracy.
You’re probably thinking, and rightly so, that I was the brain behind the Monkey Conspiracy. But, amazingly enough, it was another brilliant mind who engendered it. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to go into detail about this large-scale conspiracy. But if you’d like more information, you can go to monkeyconspiracy.com (it really is a Web site).
Another subject I might address under regular circumstances is Martian stereotyping. I don’t know if you realize it, but when you think of a Martian, do you automatically think of a small, green person, maybe with little antennae sprouting out of his head? If you do, that is a gross stereotypical view of Martians, and they deserve better. Of course, after watching Looney Toons and seeing Marvin the Martian, I can’t help but think that those stereotypical views of Martians aren’t too far off. But this isn’t the time to address Martian stereotyping, either.
Instead, I’m positive that, in the wake of Spring Break and with all of your projects and tests looming on the horizon, you are expecting me to offer you a solution to what is inevitably in store for you. Yes, that’s right. I am offering advice on the Summer Break coming up.
Before I rant about the unfairness that fall and winter don’t have breaks attributed to their names, I will offer advice on what you should do for your Summer Break. In a nutshell, I propose that you get a lawn chair and a couple of Highlights magazines and then restock your wardrobe by knitting your own clothes.
Sometimes the problem with my solutions is that they’re so simple, I have nothing left to write on. So, bearing in mind that I have already told you the best thing you can do, here is another alternative: Get a job.
Of course, the plus side to getting a job is that you’ll get money and, therefore, have no need of knitting a whole new wardrobe. For style purposes alone, I still say knitting all of your clothes is your best option, but we’ll continue in case there are those of you crazy enough to actually consider getting summer employment. If you are one of those people, allow me to list the job opportunities you should look into.
* Pest control. This is a job where you get to go around and bug people about getting rid of their bugs. I guess people get what they pay for when you make a sale because as long as they throw money at you, and you leave, their pest problem is fixed. If you are an annoying person, then this is the job for you.
* Internships. This is a nice way of saying corporate slave. Pretty much, you get to be abused by companies for the whole summer under the clever guise of “working in an environment similar to your field of study.” The pay is usually low-to-nonexistent, but apparently they’re doing you a big favor by making you run all their pointless errands, so that makes it OK.
* McDonald’s. Free food. Cool uniform. And important skills you’ll be needing later in life if you ever have a barbecue where you serve processed meat with plastic slices of cheese.
* E-mail Checker. I can’t immediately confirm whether this is a real job or not. But I’m hoping it is because, who are we kidding, I’m sure we’re all really good at it.
* Janitor at Disneyland. I don’t know if I need to go into anymore details about this. The Happiest Place on Earth, along with great corndogs … what else could you ask for? Of course, the downside would probably be cleaning up the floor of Space Mountain after someone gorged on a couple of those corn dogs, but that’s a small price to pay.
I may have seemed cynical about some of those job opportunities, but that’s only because I still favor the lawn-chair idea. At any rate, I hope I’ve been able to open your mind to the world of summer employment.
If I have, then I should probably warn you that if you do happen to use one of my job ideas, there is a small fee of $100 per idea. You see, I never told you about the other job opportunity out there, which I’ve already claimed for myself: the Job Idea Giver.
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in English education. Comments and job stipend checks can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu.