COLUMN: Bringing back boy bands
I’m going to be honest with you, I tried my hardest to ditch the Grammys Sunday night. Originally, I saw no merit in it. But in the end I just couldn’t help myself. I’m as much a sucker for award shows as Arnold was for Seaweedies on “The Magic School Bus.” Fortunately for me, award shows don’t turn my skin orange.
After viewing the cavalcade of musical festivities, I left the spectacle quite disappointed.
Adele got six awards? Really?
Now, please don’t misunderstand, I have nothing against Adele, but this isn’t what the Grammys are about. The Grammys aren’t supposed to be about celebrating talent or highlighting quality music — if that were the case, Radiohead would sweep virtually every year.
In truth, it’s about the spectacle. It’s about putting on a show and giving the public the true entertainment they desire. Heck, anyone in my age group knows what it is ultimately about, and they can say it with me.
It’s about boy bands.
Let’s be honest, like it or not, boy bands were one of the most entertaining, no-sense-of-quality-required facets of our recent pop culture history.
Nobody truly knows why, it wasn’t for the music or the magazine covers, and it certainly wasn’t for the hair, but the boy band era had such a way with things that it even makes its impact today whenever we go to a high school homecoming or wear a puffy jacket vest.
It was a glaring symbol of youth and joviality in our time, and it’s about time we brought it back to the sense of respect it so disrespectfully gave us once upon a TGIF. I’ve even thought of a lineup for the comeback boy band that will not only put the memorable genre back on the map, but back for good. Well, at least until New Kids on the Block reunites again.
First and foremost is the resident pretty-boy of the band — the man with the looks and voice that makes hearts melt and corn pop. With that in mind, we’re going to go with Elijah Wood. Tender eyes, soft face — I’m sure he could even hold a tune if he wanted to. Heck, if nothing else we can dress him up in a curly wig and pogo legs and he’ll kind of resemble Justin Guarini. We’ll take what we can get.
Next in line is the second in command, I call him the “cool guy.” He’s generally a bit nicer than the pretty-boy, has enough mojo to catch the public eye, is the ever-reliable energizer of the group and usually never wears hats — meaning an incredible head of hair is necessary, which is why NBA superstar Steve Nash is a must here. With his brown locks and, well, other stuff he must have, he is a dead lock as our cool guy, not to mention he could even contribute a pretty impressionable percussion solo with a basketball.
Of course, what boy band can go without a pair of bad boys? One needs to be edgy and non-conforming with either a little bit of charm or a whole lot of eye shadow. The other guy just needs an earring. Rob Zombie and Mr. Clean, welcome to the fold.
The last band member is Theo Huxtable. Don’t argue, you know it makes sense.
There it is. I am personally convinced this new clad team of romantic belters and heartbreakers will bring us all back into a time of musical relevance when all that mattered was falling in love and bleaching your hair, with the occasional “7th Heaven” cameo, to boot.
But wait! In all of my excitement, I forgot a band name. If they don’t have a name that simply screams passion and slick dance moves our whole plan is foiled. I’m leaving this one up to you guys. Send me your probable band names via email, Facebook or Twitter, and see if you can find the perfect label for the band to save our youth, and possibly “Total Request Live.” If you win, you just might get a shout out in a future column. Best of luck.
Dim lights. End pose.
– steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu