COLUMN: Charade of homes
Take equal parts Home Shopping network, California home equity checks and a real estate market gone mad, mix liberally with a Thesaurus and what you get is The Parade of Homes.
You get people in northern Utah calling their homes Aspen Chalet, Chez la Aspen Downs and Santa Ana Casa de Mucho Dinero. All our lovingly logical numbered streets (the envy of UPS drivers in all other states) start getting named Stonehenge, Sherwood and Quail Run. Who wouldn’t want a mailing address of “Deer Gullet,” but how do people find it if they’re driving?
You also get real estate ads that have the nerve to say “a great starter home, only $150,000” or “act fast only $495,000.”
In keeping with the spirit of the real estate boom, normally down-to-earth people start describing their houses like this:
“The eastern etched glass wall gives a panoramic view of the distant Wellsvilles. At the western end of the greatroom is a natural stone fireplace obliquely towering 30 feet into the vaulted ceiling. The Arizona quarried stone, ‘Chocolate Onyx,’ boasts white crystal structure veins bursting throughout. As you amble into the kitchen your senses will be delighted by the Gibraltar counter tops. The Highlander Chalet is a place where dreams come true and the fondest memories are made.”
Taken out of context, these descriptions sound slightly pornographic.
“Hello, this is 1-900-LUST-HOME. Yes, yes, I’ll read it to you real slow, but it’s going to cost you extra to talk about the landscaping.”
So, in the interest of truth, fairness and real people everywhere, I’m going to start my own Parade of Homes for real people. Call it “Parade of Homes: Unplugged” if you will.
Come on down to Dennis’ Tour de Hovel (pronounced ha-VEL):
As you enter the front door you will immediately notice the fragrance of artificial butter-flavored microwave popcorn blended gently with a hint of yesterday’s frozen burritos wafting from the flowered kitchen. For your viewing enjoyment the kitchen is just a few brisk steps from the vintage ’70s couch with contrasting slip cover that decoratively hides the grape juice stains. The walls of the multimedia room are expertly appointed with the fruits of last year’s continuing education arts class and several of the previous owners’ children’s artistic knife etchings.
The master bedroom has a unique storage space – that doubles as a sock hassock and a soiled laundry hamper – located conveniently under the bed. Those elegant closet doors set just slightly akimbo on their runners assure no one will be able to sneak in at night and steal your Hawaiian shirt collection without the shrill sound of metal on metal alerting you to the interloper’s presence. The lightly padded imported futon perched atop cinder blocks and Oregon-hewn two-by-fours completes the rustic look made famous by struggling artists of yesteryear. Yes, this is truly a place for, as the French say, “amore.”
Just one look at the bathroom and you will say “this is a place to contemplate fine literature.” Also note the eclectic collection of fine hair products and lingerie thoughtfully selected from merchants around the valley. The antique aluminum shower fixtures are accented by a gentle pastiche of Picasso-esque hard water etchings.
The Chalet de Hovel is framed eloquently by naturally sculpted box elder trees contrasted by low growing imported Virginia Creeper and a thoughtful patchwork of brown and green Kentucky bluegrass. On cool breezy evenings you can hear the hand-nailed No. 2 irregular fence slats clattering to the rhythm of the canyon winds.
Sign up early. Tour space is limited.