COLUMN: Codifying the unspoken Man Code

Two men walk into a bathroom.

No, it’s not the beginning of another Larry Craig joke, it’s a math equation.

Now I know you’re thinking, “Since when can a journalist do math? That’s like a music major getting a job after graduating.”

I know this math equation not because I’m a journalist, but because I am a man. As such I am privy to the Man Code.

The Man Code is an unspoken set of rules every man must live by to truly be part of the Benevolent Order of the Chest Hair, or as I like to call it, BOCH. In typical male fashion, it doesn’t sound good, but it fills its purpose and can even be repaired by duct tape.

Every male is born with the Man Code imprinted on his brain. I think it’s placed somewhere near the area of the brain where men store random sports statistics, the approximate meal times each day and lyrics to rock music.

The Man Code may seem made up to some women, but it is as real as the secret eye code women send each other, the one where women can stare at each other for five seconds and have a three hour conversation about any man in the room and completely understand each other. This is beyond most men, seeing as if we stare at another man for longer than five seconds, all we understand is that other man is starting to creep us out and is grounds for a fight.

So in order to shed some light on the Man Code, I will attempt to codify some key areas. It is impossible in one column to fully compile every part of the Man Code, so I will focus on the top topics that every man should be living by.

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE

Two men walk in to a restroom. That is the last interaction these two men should have together until they exit the restroom. There are certain places that silence should prevail – churches, movie theaters, funerals and restrooms. It’s not like a restroom is some sort of sacred shrine, but it is a place where privacy is a major issue.

Once a man enters a restroom, he is faced with that math equation I originally brought up. He must analyze the number of urinals available, the number of men using the urinals and the spacing. Of the three elements, the final is the most important. Unless the only available urinal rests next to another man, he should never stand anywhere near another man. The opposite side of the stall row is preferable. But rarely do things work out this nicely.

Once the stall has been selected, a man must stare straight ahead as if the brick he was staring at was his favorite television show, though he should not express any emotion. His gaze should not leave that point for any reason. Even if someone yells, “Fire!” (a Man Code violation in and of itself), he is obligated by the Man Code to wrap things up first before checking to make sure this claim is true.

Also, men should keep their stance at a normal distance. Wide stances are never appropriate.

Men should never make eye contact with one another in the restroom and should especially never speak to another man.

I experienced a blatant violation of this a couple weeks ago when I went to the Def Leppard concert. While going about my business, the guy to my right started to talk to me. I was furious, and if I wasn’t preoccupied with the speck of dirt on the wall, I would have punched him. I could have let that go, but a few seconds later, the guy on my left started talking to me as if we were best friends. I was extremely uncomfortable by this time. Things only got worse when he violated a second Man Code by looking around.

I was disgusted. I figured of all places, a Def Leppard concert should be the epitome of manliness. I don’t know if these guys were drunk out of their minds (likely) or were overly excited to see Joe Elliot in tight pants, but it was still no excuse for diverting their gaze and talking to me.

SHARING

Most men don’t have a problem with sharing. Borrowing a power tool is seen as a sign of strength, as long as that privilege is not abused. Sharing sports statistics is always acceptable. But sharing personal items is never appropriate. Things like toothbrushes, combs and deodorant are among the obvious prohibited items, but another critical one is clothing.

Women have no problem with wearing each others clothes. They seem to see this as being cute, whatever that word means, and as a way to bond. If a man asks another man to borrow an item of clothing, that is seen as being more than a little too friendly. If you like a shirt your roommate has – though you would never admit to such a thing, also part of the Man Code – you should go buy it. Your roommate would think nothing of it. In fact, you could both wear the same shirt on the same day and be proud of the other man’s good taste.

WOMEN

There is a common phrase among men: “Bros before hos.” While not grammatically or politically correct – my apologies ladies – it is an important rule. For single men, their fellow BOCH members should come before a woman. But, unlike many of the other hard and fast Man Code rules, this one has plenty of loopholes, which begs to question why this is part of the Man Code.

Say a beautiful woman comes by and wants one of the men in a group of guys to spend some time with her. Normally this would be a violation, but since she is gorgeous, the other men in the group must concede and let him go. They may not like it and consider it a violation of the Man Code, but they understand, their biggest frustration being that woman didn’t want to be with them.

While this highlights only a few aspects of the Man Code, there are many more that men live by every day. The sad thing is, more and more men are defecting from the BOCH and violating numerous commandments of the Man Code. While some things should be allowed flexibility, the Man Code should not. Biologically fused into our brains, we must live by it. It is what separates the man from the monkey man, although he’s got the right idea of running around in the buff and taking naps all day.

Seth Hawkins is a junior majoring in public relations. He welcomes other commandments from the Man Code. Send them to him at seth.h@aggiemail.usu.edu.