COLUMN: Cure for stress — use a chainsaw
Do you sometimes faint at the sound of the word “homework?” Is your stomach the cause of several seismic rumblings that are attributed to ulcers? Do you have three hours left to live?
If your answer was “no” to any of those questions, then you are the victim of an incredibly boring life. If your answer was “yes” to any of those questions, then you are probably a victim of stress.
If your answer was, “hey, where are all the pictures?” then you may be illiterate. Of course, if you are illiterate then I’m afraid that I won’t be able to help you much.
Not that I don’t have a solution for the world’s illiterate people. I, being the genius that I am, obviously have a solution for everything. It just seems that every time I write a perfectly sensible answer to the illiterates’ predicament, they pay me no heed.
For that reason, I’ll simply have to skip illiteracy for now and look at the solution to stress instead.
Some people may not be able to grasp how I could possibly find a solution for something as intangible as stress, but to that remark I have always said, “what the heck does ‘intangible’ mean?”
I’m assuming it is some type of steak sauce, but I really don’t know for sure.
Now contrary to popular belief, stress does not originate from a cult of rude, uncaring and downright evil bunch of super-intelligent anteaters. No, that cult of anteaters is actually more to blame for most of the programming on FOX, worldwide economic inflation and that stray dog that keeps on leaving his mark on your lawn.
Other people might erroneously suggest that stress is simply a cause of being in the middle of a bunch of high-pressure situations. I, however, claim stress is actually just one of the many ways we decide to handle being in one of those high-pressure situations.
Since that is the case, I have some suggestions with how you can best deal with those difficult situations. To reduce the stress some of you may be experiencing, I recommend the trying some of the following:
• Move to Madagascar. Besides having a name that could single-handedly ward off any attempts of someone trying to send you stress-filled mail, it is also the home of the famous Madagascar Hissing Cockroach. I don’t know if that would add or detract to your idea of a stress-free environment, but I thought it was an interesting fact, nonetheless.
• Study the applied theories of biological chemistry. This beauty of a subject acts like a natural tranquilizer. When you really start to delve into it, it won’t take long until your lights are out and you have forgotten all your cares.
• Hang out with kindergartners – you could learn from their examples. Their biggest cause of stress is figuring out which shoe goes on which foot. Of course, if you are still struggling with that same concept, I wouldn’t recommend this approach.
• Mow my lawn. There’s nothing like service to help you forget a stressful situation. Of course it only works if it’s MY lawn. And no, I can’t explain why. Oh, with the coming winter, I guess I should specify that shoveling my walk is also perfectly acceptable.
• Pack around a chain saw. Maybe this is just me, but it seems that there’s nothing that can make my stress fade away like the melodious purr of a chain saw. And if the purr doesn’t work, I can always start cutting up a bunch of random stuff.
Now these are all healthy suggestions that you could follow. However, if you want to get rid of the cause of 94 percent of your stress, it just requires dropping off one simple week from your semester.
That week would, of course, be finals week. Incidentally, the other 6 percent of stress comes from writing columns in the – wait a second … excuse me while I go and fetch my chain saw.
Marty Reeder is a senior studying English education. Comments can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu