COLUMN: Dealing with life’s necessary evils
I have succumbed to the simple fact that in this life there are certain things I will never be able to avoid. Some people call them mandatory, inescapable or even compulsory – I prefer to call these things necessary evils.
Necessary • adj. 1. requiring to be done, achieved, etc.; requisite; essential. 2. predestination, etc., not by free will; inevitably.
Evil • n. 1. sin, vice, iniquity, crime. 2. wickedness.
Let’s start with the idea of making your wife, spouse or partner feel good about themselves. When they ask the all-important question, “Does this make me look fat?” What are you supposed to do? Tell them the truth? Hell no. You lie. You lie quickly and with as much sincerity as you can muster.
I have always stayed with the philosophy that it is better to lie and consign myself to a life in purgatory than to tell them their hips look huge.
Once you cross the line, you are required to keep lying, and they get bigger. It moves from hips to butts and then to hair (not that hair can be fat, but I guess that all depends on how much Aquanet someone uses). The whole question about how I like the new hair style, color or cut is one I try very hard to avoid. I will probably end up with my foot in my mouth sucking old chewing gum off the bottom of my Dr. Martins. But it is better to lie and say I love the new tri-colored layered bob cut A-line bangs than to admit it looks like it belongs on a tattered Cabbage Patch Doll.
Essential Crime
Lying is not the only unavoidable thing in my life. As a student I have found going to class is one of things I can’t seem to get by without. I’m not happy about this realization, but I can’t seem to get around it. I tend to be tied to the whole school system. If I want to pass my finals (another thing that should be added to this list) I have to go to class. I don’t have time for all these silly lectures, I am a busy man. It seems like everyone is pulling me in every direction – I am not Gumby or Stretch Armstrong. I don’t have go-go-Gadget limb. It is physically impossible for me to be everywhere at every moment of every day. Inevitable Wickedness
Another part of my life which causes me great anxiety and distress is the act of auditioning. As an actor, I know I am going to be plagued with the rigors of looking for a job and selling myself on a regular basis.
Auditioning feels like a meat market for actors – you sing, you dance and you recite terrible monologues in hopes somehow from a brief three minutes of your life, directors and casting agents will see something in you which is lacking in all of the perfect Ken and Barbiesque clones on stage with you.
It is not a bad thing I guess. (I keep telling myself this in the mirror every night.) Keeping yourself motivated and happy in order to impress the silent, stoic figures lurking behind your headshot and résumé in the darkened theater takes more energy than it is sometimes worth.
It is really my love for the stage and performing that keeps me going. If these things did not exist, then there would be no reason to subject myself to the cruel scrutiny of the acting gods (self proclaimed or not) who decide my fate.
Required Iniquity
Work is also on the list. In order for me to provide for my need to pay for cable so I can watch MTV. I really don’t know what I would do without The Real World or the other quality programs that make this channel what it is today.
I also need to pay Verizon to keep me connected to the world. I have had my cell phone for four years, and I would die if I didn’t have it now (you are thinking I am kidding, I am not – ask my friends. I freak when I lose it. I lost it last summer and went balistic.)
Really, this is more than just a few isolated moments in life, these are daily tasks that control my every waking moment. I have thought about going on strike against all of the evils in my life, but what’s the point? Nothing is going to change. Strikes are merely a waste of time and resources. I have never heard of a positive strike. I almost missed an entire television season because of one, not a good sign in my book.
If I decided to strike, that would end up as one more thing on the list of evils that cannot be avoided, thus marking it as just another thing I have to complain about.
Justin Berry is the Features Editor of The Utah Statesman. Comments can be sent to Justinsb26@yahoo.com