COLUMN: Don’t do it yourself
I bought a drill press. I have no idea why. It was there. It was on sale. I’m a guy, and the promise of eight speed settings and uniform depth drilling for $65 was more than I could resist.
I’m really trying to stop, or at least cut back, but I don’t think I can. When it comes to home improvement stores, Cache Valley has become the Columbian cartel of the do-it-yourself drug. You can’t throw a Saber saw without hitting a home improvement store in this valley.
We ought to be really insulted. Our homes aren’t that old and they don’t need much improving. About a year ago some business analyst must have driven around the valley and said, “Dang, this place needs more home improvement than anyplace I have ever seen. This place needs more rebuilding than Pompeii. They ought to have their own 24-hour This Old House channel. These people have nothing better to do than tinker with their soffits and load-bearing walls all day long. We need to build two stunningly large home improvement stores here.”
Why else would we have more home improvement store floor space per capita than anyone else in the world? Lowes and Home Depot, which are only a couple heavy duty extension cords away from each other, have built stores large enough to be clearly seen from the NASA International Space Station. This is on top of the several hardware stores we already had and the home improvement sections of Cache Valley’s four major department stores. Just how much improving can we stand?
I realize we probably also have too many pizza establishments, especially ones that have names beginning with “Papa,” but if they go out of business you can always fill them with another fast food or fast lube place.
You don’t have to be Nostradamus to predict what is going to happen. First, we are going to have a price war which will make everyone giddy – at least for awhile. But once you’ve tiled the dog house and installed ceiling fans in all your closets, you are going to run out of projects. Then things will really get ugly. The hardware Godzillas will start having promotions featuring washed-up rock stars and septuagenarian former centerfolds giving free seminars on how to grout around your bidet. People who normally would not even use the word bidet in polite conversation will be installing them in the Winnebagos and hunting cabins. This last gasp effort will be good for a few laughs and Jerry Springer segments, but eventually one of the stores will lose the war.
And what is going to happen when one of the behemoth hardware stores goes under? The town is going to be stuck with an urban airplane hanger or indoor stadium for the NFL team we don’t have. Our homes will be so improved that nobody outside Cache Valley will be able to afford to buy one and we will all just be stuck here sitting on our custom maple veneer porches with Venetian marble inlay sobbing “Why God, why?”
Just say no. Just don’t do it yourself.