COLUMN: ‘Don’t drink and swim– unless you have a padded barrel’
As if there wasn’t already enough evidence that consuming copious quantities of alcohol makes people dumber than a bag of bricks, new studies show that either no one listens or some folks are just morons. Well, I don’t know if it’s actually been a “study,” but I’ve sure seen and heard of some really dumb people, and I’m not just talking about those fat, painted dudes at football games.
Just a few days ago, Kirk Jones, a 40-year-old fella from Michigan decided to drink heavily while basking on the banks of the Niagara river, just above the legendary Niagara Falls in Canada. Apparently, he had a little too much Coke with his vodka and somehow “fell” into the river and got swept over Horseshoe Falls. Amazingly, this daredevil of a drunk survived his plunge and is now being charged with mischief and the unlawful performing of a stunt.
I hope the judge is lenient, because if people really want to hurl themselves over a 150-foot ledge into a churning and pounding washing machine of a maelstrom for fun, I vote yes – let them do it. We need a few less boneheads in our country. Over the years many people have tried to survive the falls, but Jones is the first to make it without aid of any flotation devices or a convenient barrel. I once thought it might be cool to kayak the falls, but about .000034 milliseconds later (yup, I counted) I decided to find a new hobby, like trying to discover why socks mysteriously disappear in the dryer.
I never claim that I refrain from doing inane stunts, but since they are never alcohol-induced, I don’t expect to ever get on “Real TV” or even in the police blotter. Normally, my life is so dull that my next big antic will probably be getting one of the new color $20 bills. Almost heroically, I will show it off to everyone as if I just won something huge like a buffalo chip-throwing contest.
All my friends will be elated at my new find, except Blaine and John. Too often they are involved in some giant caper and 20 bucks is nothing. I bet they usually owe 16 times that amount just to get bailed out of jail. Sooner or later these “professionals” will probably want me to do something crazy with them like toss a Copy Ed 10/23/03 Frisbee frisbee around on top of the giant crane on campus, but even I know the bottom of the crane is locked up at night. They don’t give these jobs to chimps, you know. Maybe one day, I’ll write about some crazy personal feat, but until then, why not focus on some of the numskulls in the news?
I’m not sure he was drunk, but why wouldn’t Oswaldo Valenciano be when he tried to hijack a car in Salem, Ore. while riding a tricycle. I’m definitely not making this one up. After unsuccessful attempts to shoot the victim’s car and ram it with his trike, Valenciano spoke to the car owner and demanded to be taken to the hospital. Finally he got possession of the vehicle but crashed it into a street sign. The police found him hiding nearby and took him to the hospital for a leg injury and a gunshot wound in his foot.
It seems that the criminals in Oregon are a little bored and need a challenge, but where did that guy find a tricycle big enough to ride? I even looked on eBay and couldn’t find one. Well, I bet he wasn’t as drunk as the Philippine government press undersecretary who urinated on his president’s charter jet last month. He claimed that he mistook the emergency exit area for a restroom. Likely story, buddy. Good thing he didn’t have a gun and a tricycle, or that plane would have ended up hitting a street sign.
Many of you know that to find alcohol-related humor, you need not watch the news, just look at your friends. When I was a sophomore, I had a roommate who was pledging a fraternity. On the weekends he would arrive back to the dorm wasted, but unlike anyone else I knew. My roommate was almost completely deaf (he had hearing aids) and suffered from night blindness, so when he was intoxicated, the fun began.
One night he surprisingly came home early and jumped in his bed to watch some television. Suffering from a really good buzz, he complained that the TV appeared to be floating and that there were two of them. I quickly devised a remedy and told him to shut one of his eyes. This suggestion must have worked, because upon putting his hand over an eye, his dilemma was placated. Twenty minutes later, though, he started groaning that there were two televisions again. Sure enough, he still had one eye closed.
Many of my peers ask me why I don’t drink alcohol. After the evidence heretofore cited, I don’t think I need to explain … except maybe what “heretofore” means. Regardless, I have a crane to go and climb.
Garrett Wheeler is not studying English or journalism at Utah State University and would like to remind you as an engineer and physicist that barrels have never been safe and reliable watercraft. If you’ve heard otherwise, let him know at wheel@cc.usu.edu.