COLUMN: Drop your drawers and run with it
I hope blinding people isn’t a crime.
If it is, I must be the most wanted man in Utah right now. It’s not my fault though. It was an unfortunate byproduct of my summer internship with Richter7, a Salt Lake City-based advertising and public relations firm.
They made me do it. No, they didn’t hold a gun to my head and tell me to go on an eye-stabbing rampage with a pair of safety scissors.
It’s much worse: they made me stop wearing pants.
Wait, before you run down to Salt Lake to take a look, let me explain.
On July 15, Richter7 instituted a mandatory “No Pants Policy” at work to help employees cool down, or, as I’m quickly finding out, to blind half the population of Salt Lake. This means employees can wear anything but long pants – shorts, skirts, skorts (what a funny word), even kilts.
This is bad news for me. I have legs so white they practically glow neon – think Michael Jackson in the sun. Fortunately, I also have an obscene amount of leg hair, which acts as a sort of shield to prevent instant radiation death to any onlooker.
There’s not much I can do about my legs – what, you seriously think I’m going to get off my computer, stop playing video games and exercise outside? – so I am forced to wear shorts or face the steep penalty of being confronted by the knickerbocker police and pay a quarter.
Honestly, I don’t know why I didn’t see this coming. When I began this internship, there were many things I was prepared for…
HUMAN RESOURCE DIRECTOR: “What, you want to get paid for this? Ha, right.”
SECOND NEWEST EMPLOYEE NOW THAT YOU’RE HERE: “Hey newbie, grab me a coffee, oh, and while you’re at it, staple these documents and then staple your forehead.”
ME: “But why?”
BOSS (walking by): “It’s a corporate culture thing. You want to fit in, right?”
ME: “I guess so.” (I staple my forehead and bite my lower lip to hold back the tears of pain.)
BOSS: “Nothing, huh? Tough kid. Next time we’ll have to use a staple gun.”
I could handle all that, no problem (I have a hard forehead).
But I wasn’t prepared to be told I couldn’t wear pants any longer. I should have seen it coming though.
Richter7 isn’t your average company. One Friday, in the middle of the workday, the whole company made a mass exodus to The Gateway to watch the new Indiana Jones movie. Why? I can only imagine the partners were hoping for the employees to glean some sort of marketing lesson from watching Harrison Ford fight his way through hordes of ants. Lesson learned: don’t deal with commies.
On another day, all employees wore hats to work to support a coworker who is battling cancer. And at least once a week there is some sort of random treat in the employee kitchen – although I still don’t think pencil shavings was much of a treat. Oh, that was from an art project and not to eat? My bad.
Thinking back on it, the No Pants Policy isn’t that weird of an idea either. Summers are hot. Last July was the hottest on record in Utah and this summer has been heat torture too – at least as much as I can tell on my walk from the office to the train station after work.
Why not beat the heat by wearing shorts? In fact, why even bother with long pants at all? Our primate ancestors seemed to do just fine without slacks and a shirt and tie and they still got plenty of marketing done. In fact, their marketing has lived on for thousands of years in cave drawings. Today, typical marketing campaigns are lucky to last more than a couple months.
The Greeks and Romans built incredible civilizations sans pants. Had it not been so cold, Ghengis Khan would have been conquering and pillaging in a pair of yak shorts.
Even in today’s society, everything has pointed toward a shorts-centered business culture. First there was the full colonial dress, but the wigs got to be too much work, so that was dropped for a nice suit. Then the high cost of air conditioning buildings got to be too much, so business casual was formed.
Now the new generation of working class has entered the workforce and redefined the meaning of business casual, making everything from flip flops to Grateful Dead T-shirts acceptable – or at least tolerable.
A No Pants Policy is a logical next step for business dress. Sure it makes for a nearly lethal weapon to shine such untanned legs around, but I say drop the drawers and run with it.
Seth Hawkins is a senior majoring in public relations. If you see him running around in his skivvies, you know he’s taken this no pants thing a bit too far. Questions and comments can be sent to him at seth.h@aggiemail.usu.edu