COLUMN: Etiquette for the New Millennium
Will my vegetarian friends be offended if I serve large slabs of near-bleeding beef at my dinner party? Can I compost that old, flowered couch?
It’s not easy being polite these days. The pressure to simultaneously exhibit political correctness and proper etiquette can cause undue anxiety. The following list is meant to solve this dilemma by providing updated rules of thumb for the new millennia consumer:
Banking/teller machines: There is yet no established polite distance for standing in line behind somebody extracting money from an automated teller machine. However, the emerging custom in most big cities is approximately the length of a gun barrel — especially for evening withdrawals.
For most other areas and times of day the old bumper-sticker adage “If you can read this, you’re too damn close,” applies to teller machines.
Cellular phones: It is considered extremely tacky to call other cellular phone owners across the room even though it is possible. It is equally impolite to ask others to “leave the room” when you are taking a personal call on your car cellular phone.
Answering machines: If you become extremely annoyed at persons who screen their calls with answering machines it is permissible to leave the message, “I think this is the right address. Oh, well, since you’re not home, we’ll just drop off that 800 pounds of manure you ordered in the driveway.”
Bathing: Just because it is called a ‘bathing suit’ the university swimming pool is not a huge bathtub. Even if the lifeguards are too timid or busy doing their homework to tell you so, please shower before entering the pool. If you will recall high school chemistry, one gram of oil — like those in that skanky perfume/cologne/hair gloss you wear is enough to cover the entire surface of Bear Lake. It is inconsiderate to subject the rest of the swimming populace to your foul taste in personal fragrance.
Compost piles: Whereas it would normally be considered obnoxious to talk about garbage at a social function involving food, compost piles can be discussed and admired for their environmental attributes. Your own Personal Landfill (PL) can be discussed at nearly all social occasions. For the inhibited, try these conversation starters: “You ought to see mine rot,” or “Look at the steam rising off of that baby,” or lastly, “The worms really love it.” (Etiquette clarification: An old couch piled high with newspapers isn’t recognized as a legitimate PL.)
Smoking: If you still smoke, you are socially doomed. Take note that it is now permissible for even grossly overweight people who spit, pick their nose in public and drive cars that get seven miles per gallon to verbally abuse smokers for their “nasty habit.”
Meat eating: Bringing a bowl of meatballs to a Sierra Club meeting may be as repugnant as having a happy hour at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Vegetarianism has become a status symbol in some circles. You can break the ice at predominantly vegetarian social gatherings with the statement, “Is that tofu or did somebody accidentally chop up a dish towel in the stir fry?”
DINK pseudofamilies: Due to the increased number of DINKs (Double Income No Kids) it is now socially acceptable to substitute photos and humorous stories of your dog’s Frisbee-catching exploits in the absence of baby pictures. However, if your friends’ dog starts sending your dog Christmas cards, somebody should seek professional help.
Recycling: Throwing an aluminum can into a trash can is likely to draw angry glances, so it is permissible to carry around empty cans in the back seat of your car, in your pockets, backpack or purse. Empty beer cans in your car, however, will still be considered “open containers” in accordance with Utah liquor laws.
Fanny packs: Never, ever compliment persons of either gender on their fanny pack unless you are absolutely sure they’re wearing one.
Dennis Hinkamp’s column appears every Friday in The Statesman. Comments can be sent to slightlyoffcenter@attbi.com.