COLUMN: “Fall”ing in love with televison
We’re in the time of year I call the “TV safety wedge.” It’s that small hole of quiet just after the sheer pandemonium (abstract word for “hour of marginal interest”) of the Emmy awards and just before the unavoidable rush that is the new fall season lineup.
It’s in this ever-minuscule moment of time when we bottle in the over-raged excitement and await the splendor that only the iconic small screen can give us.
I know what you’re thinking. And yes, I don’t really care either.
I sincerely can’t remember the last time I gave any interest in television. I, myself, am a firm believer that after “Sports Center,” “Shark Week” and the occasional Carlton dance there isn’t all that much left to enjoy.
It’s a sad tale, really. In the last few years we’ve been forced to endure the trudging agony of shameless pilot episodes, sweeps-week meltdowns, cliche triple-judged glam fests and some apparent Everglades reptile called a “J-Woww.”
And then, when it looked as if it wouldn’t get worse, there was “Man vs. Beast.”
Yes, it’s exactly how it sounds — an hour-long series of competitions in which people who specialize in certain physical feats are pitted against animals. From this blissful masterpiece we were able to enjoy an Olympic sprinter racing a knob-legged galloping giraffe, a record-holding competitive hot dog eater trying his legacy against a ravenous bear and — get prepared for this one — an Asian elephant in a grueling jet plane tugging race against, there’s no way you’re ready but here it goes, an energetic pack of 50 dwarf people.
No, I’m not kidding. I’d share YouTube links, but I, even as a humor columnist, must have some sense of decency.
Throughout this whole era of embarrassment, I’ve always chuckled at my screen and said, “C’mon, even I could think up a better show.” Well, folks, after an Emmy night so scarce of ideas “The Tony Awards” won an award, it’s time I gave that claim a try. Here a few ideas off the top of my head.
“Pete and Peta” – A new hit comedy series highlighting the life of Pete Mandino, the star of a local hit dangerous deep sea fishing show, who, via message from the government, finds out he must move in with his long lost uncle Bruce PaPeta, an extreme animal rights activist who was given the nickname “Peta” in college. That’s right, a fisherman and an animal lover in the same home — the situational chaos is endless! If the ever-changing humor-based perspectives won’t put you in stitches, the frequent Charlton Heston impersonator cameos most certainly will.
“Minute to Chimp It” – This outstanding new performance competition is simple. Contestants have one day to train a non-domestic chimpanzee to perform a difficult human feat, which they will then attempt in front of a live audience to complete in one minute. Watch in shock and awe as everyday nobodies walk these perilous primates through eating copious amounts of meat, folding clothes, and doing the Humpty Dance. Get ready for the tour de force of entertainment that proves man can do anything, no matter how much — er, little — they’ve evolved.
“Lost: In a Sitcom” – This plot line is courtesy of Josh Huff, who sent me his Ultimate ‘90s Sitcom fantasy team — that’s right, I’m referring you to last week’s column. This show follows the complicated, yet gripping lives of Frank Lambert from “Step By Step,” Ugh of Nickelodeon’s “Salute Your Shots,” George Castanza, Topanga, and “Arrested Development” magic mogul Gob Bluth. They are swiped from their lives and must survive in an ever-dramatic saga, trapped inside a laugh track induced sitcom. Watch as they form their own makeshift family, become victim to their own inner struggles and do all they physically can to escape the sitcom studio that refuses their rescue. And as a point of information, Balki and Larry of “Perfect Strangers” will play “the Others.”
And our final show for the cavalcade of candor, the stream of streaming wonder, the TGIF that never was, the cap to my fall season lineup:
“Reading Things with Morgan Freeman and Christopher Walken” – That’s right, they just read stuff, and you’re going to watch it. No need to explain why, you just know you will.
There we are — four new TV shows straight from my brain. I’m sure you’re just as excited as I am to know these golden nuggets could even possibly come to pass — wait — I just read over those ideas again. These are even worse.
Man. We’re doomed.
— Steve Schwartzman is a junior majoring in marketing and minoring in speech communication. His column runs every Wednesday. He loves sports, comedy and creative writing. He encourages any comments at his email steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu, or find him on Facebook.