COLUMN: Finding personal security with machetes
In these trying times it is hard to imagine that there is a way to feel completely safe at all times.
There are those who have taken some specific precautions with this goal in mind, but even assuming you live in a bunker, who is to say that your next door neighbor doesn’t happen to have a bunker buster? Or for those moments that you have to be outside of your bunker, what is going to insure your safety then?
Thankfully, with much foresight, the university has installed emergency stations throughout campus, which alert the campus police of any sort of disturbances or calls for help. Yet, there are even times when this invaluable asset can prove to be ineffective. For example, let us say there is a Student In Distress (S.I.D.) who is suddenly approached by a mugger. The S.I.D. immediately pushes the emergency button. Here is an example of what might go wrong:
POLICE: Campus police, how can I help you?
SID: Yes, I’m being robbed, I need help.
POLICE: Please hold. [Music from “It’s a Small World” begins to play.]
SID: Excuse me, but the mugger now has my wallet, could you please hurry?!
POLICE: Campus police, mugging department, how can I help you?
SID: Yes, I’m being robbed; the mugger is currently removing all of my cash and credit cards from my wallet.
POLICE: OK, now is this a wallet or a purse? … The guys upstairs are really clamping down on us filling out our forms correctly.
SID: It’s a wallet! Hurry please, he is now laughing at my picture on my driver’s license. That was three years ago, and I was having a bad hair day.
POLICE: I get that every time I pull someone over.
SID: You’ve got to do something! The mugger is now getting on the Internet with a 56 modem and using my credit cards to buy ski masks and the whole volume set of “Mugging for Dummies” on eBay.
POLICE: Wait a second. I think we’re now dealing with identity theft. That’s not my area; I’m going to have to transfer you to …
SID: Could you just send an officer, please?
POLICE: Oh, I would, but most of our officers right now are involved in investigating a report from Valley View Tower of some individuals sneaking through the bushes. They claim they were looking for cats, but our forensics experts are confirming it right now.
SID: The mugger is now chatting using instantmessenger with another mugger friend in New York while playing solitaire! Would you please do something?
POLICE: Oooh, Spider Solitaire or regular?
MUGGER: Regular. I feel that nothing can top the original.
POLICE: I tend to agree, though I do feel that …
Now obviously this is an extreme example. In reality the mugger would have used a cable modem and would have been playing minesweeper, but it just goes to show that you cannot always rely solely on the emergency stations for your protection.
How do you protect yourself then? Recently there has been a published debate about carrying guns on campus. Not to revive a dead issue, but how childish is that? Since I’ve been doing Study Abroad in Costa Rica, I’ve discovered a much better alternative. I am talking about the often overlooked weapon of choice, the machete.
On a couple of my weekend excursions, I have noticed all the rural, older men proudly packing around their own machete.
Not only does it appear that they have no problems with muggings, but anytime there is a pesky vine or small sapling in their way, they have the means to get rid of that, too.
Some might say that if everyone carried machetes around with them, this might only cause people to be more likely to use them against each other. I say, what could be any cooler than some random machete fights on campus?
Now that you are convinced of your need for a machete, I have some quick tips. You will find that there are all sorts of shapes and sizes of machetes that you can buy, and you may wonder which of all these you should purchase.
My advice: Buy all of them. There is nothing cockier than walking around with 10 to 15 machetes strapped all over your body (though it does restrict movement somewhat). However, if you would prefer to carry just one at a time, I would suggest, just to be safe, that the size of machete directly correspond with the current level of terrorism alert (“red” being big and “blue” being small).
Now, machetes do not always need to be for protection alone. Besides the other obvious fringe benefits it gives us, such as providing an extra utensil for lunch, special persuasive powers when talking about a grade, and the ability to trim an overgrown hedge at anytime, we must not forget one of the most important benefits for some of you traders out there: Those previously dormant machete stocks will now skyrocket.
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in history education. Any comments or machete orders can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu.