COLUMN: Gay ‘threat’ is everywhere
Just when you thought gay marriage was struck down and it was safe to go out in the media, there has been another right wing red alert. SpongeBob and some of his cartoon pals can make you gay. In a related and equally shocking discovery, a new book claims that Abraham Lincoln may have been harboring some truths that weren’t so self evident. It looks like the gay threat is everywhere.
I’m not quite old enough to have lived through the McCarthyism communist scare or I would troll that analogy. Instead, this is starting to remind me of Wilson Bryan Key who wrote “Subliminal Seduction” and such other page-turners as “The Clam Plate Orgy and other Subliminal Tech-niques for Manipulating Your Behavior.” You may remember him as the guy who saw images of people having sex in the ice cubes of liquor advertisements.
He started looking at all advertisements and saw nothing but breasts and assorted lewd images. Suddenly toothpaste ads were x-rated and flipping through Time magazine was worse than Playboy. The menu at Denny’s had to be kept behind the counter and was off limits to minors.
If you don’t recall this particular era, it’s because it turns out that Mr. Key was a nut bag. The job of village idiot has term limits and there are always new candidates waiting in line.
The new candidates are Focus on the Family and other loonies who believe. cartoon characters are all part of a grand conspiracy to make being gay acceptable. The only problem I have with this theory is that it does not go far enough. Gay people and the gay agenda is everywhere. Once you put on the hat of righteousness and squint really carefully, you can see it everywhere. To wit:
Boy Scouts: Are you kidding? This is a totally gay organization. It encourages men and boys to wear scarves. Where else in upstanding society is this deemed appropriate attire?
Christmas and Santa Claus: This is the ultra-gay holiday All you have to do is listen to the lyrics. “Don we now our gay apparel” and what the heck us “fa la la, fa la, la” code for anyway?
All men’s pro sports: Completely gay… tight clothes, group showers, and cameras in the locker rooms. The steroids are just a diversion.
NASCAR: Not a sport; big powerful cars with Viagra ads on the sides? I don’t think you have to be Freud to figure it out.
Anybody who doesn’t wear pants: Romans, Egyptians, Scots… all gay.
The cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: These are the only people who are not gay. Come on, the show is way too obvious. Anyone who was really gay would have the good sense and decorum to not act that gay.
For the record SpongeBob is definitely not gay. I saw him at a strip club the other night and he was wearing and Oakland Raiders jersey, smoking cigars and buying lap dances for everyone. The dude is totally not gay.
Dennis Hinkamp has never been to a bar with SpongeBob SquarePants but he does claim to have watched R-Rated movies with Barney.