COLUMN: Get your home geeky clean
Why is it whenever I’m just about to escape the dismal gray dungeon to spend some much-deserved R&R with my princess I always have to face a big ugly ogre with arms as big as Tony Danza?
I know what you all are thinking, just hit him with your +2 Sword of Smiting then, while he’s writhing in pain, cut his head off and make for freedom.
I’m afraid it’s not that simple though. There are no +2 Swords of Smiting at Wal-Mart. I can only assume that they don’t exist.
Also this scenario is like a metaphor. The dungeon is the semester and the giant club-wielding ogre is my landlord and he’s brandishing a contract that says I agreed to clean up the place before I go out of town for Thanksgiving (he also claims it says I agreed to pay rent every month but I think that’s just a scam).
After looking around my apartment, I think I would rather fight the ogre. He’s smaller and less intimidating.
It’s not just that I hate cleaning. It’s more that I just don’t see the point. Why is it that when a lush and vibrant one-of-a-kind ecosystem is miles away in South America we have to spend millions of dollars studying it and trying to save it but when it’s in my shower I’ve got wipe it out, destroying any cures for cancer that it may hold?
When I do set out to do the dirty deed though, the geek in me takes over and demands that we find an easy, more efficient way to do it, thereby freeing up more time for me to watch the Star Wars Three trailer on the Internet, over and over again.
The traditional spray bottle full of bleach is a good and sound principle but it lacks the concentrated stream needed to clean out the cracks and the power to handle the growths under the shampoo bottles, some of which have evolved to the point of using simple tools.
This is why a more powerful bleach delivering system is needed. If you give me goggles, a bottle of bleach and a super-soaker 2000, I’ll have your shower mold free in less than 10 minutes.
Another trouble spot in the average apartment is the kitchen. The sink especially can be hive of scum and villainy to make even Mos Eisley pale in comparison.
On of the great scientific laws of cleaning is that smell outranks sight. This means that if it smells clean, it is clean.
A great way to make your kitchen sink smell cleaner that its ever going to be is to cut up a couple of fresh apples and drop them down the drain. Run the garbage disposal to send enough fruity goodness into the air to convince an inspecting RA that they don’t need to look into your sink.
What ever you do, make sure you get your apartment cleaning under control. If you let the mold go over Thanksgiving Break it’ll become fungus. If you let the fungus go over Christmas it’ll grow little feet, beady eyes and start walking towards you … sideways. At that point all you can do is jump on them.
Well that’s it for me. I have plenty of other cleaning tips, but most of those require chemicals that can’t be sold to the general public. If you or some geek you know have any cool geeky cleaning tips, send them my way. My roommates would be very grateful.
Happy Thanksgiving, and geek on.
Steve Shinney is a columnist at the Utah Statesman. Comments can be sent to him at steveshinney@cc.usu.edu