COLUMN: Getting a job/date has never been so easy
Apparently it’s time for me to grow up.
After years of working for the Statesman and drifting through numerous classes, I will soon be graduating and that means one thing: death and taxes.
Since the economy has gone in the crapper – thanks Baby Boomers, I’ll send you a bill, oh wait, you gave me a giant one to deal with – I can’t count on much of anything except the government taking me for all I’m worth and the inevitable fact that I will one day die.
But I’m still expected to get a job and somehow contribute to society, mostly by dressing as a clown and working at Chuck E. Cheeses for the next 20 years. Although, I’m hoping this means I can one day wreck a company myself and come away with a nice compensation package.
In the process of applying for jobs, I’ve come to the conclusion that getting a job is much like dating. Really, it is.
Let me explain.
The first step in job hunting and dating is scoping out the prospects.
Job postings are written by Satan himself to inflict and torment man. Reading one is like reading a Supreme Court decision, much like trying to understand the behavior of women in groups is like trying to decipher quantum physics.
Fortunately, when you ogle over a job posting you aren’t considered the pervert like you are if you sit outside and stare at girls walking by. You can even whistle at a job posting and it won’t care. I could have avoided a lot of restraining orders this way.
Once you’ve selected a job, or a girl, the next step is to go after it. This requires some skill. Blind approaches such as, “Hey, I’m a boy and, um, well, you’re a girl, so … we should mate,” never seemed to get me good dates, just like blind approaches for a job don’t work out nearly as well as having some kind of connection with a company. So, get introduced using friends.
Asking a girl out can be scary. Fortunately, you can practice how to ask her out by talking to the mirror and creeping yourself out that you are basically asking yourself out. Don’t think too hard on that.
Apparently, when asking out a girl, the one-knee approach is a little intimidating so it’s best to keep to something conservative like, “So, you want to go out to dinner Friday night?”
Similarly, a conservative approach to applying for a job is the cover letter. I’ve never understood the purpose of this. You have a resume that outlines your experience in a very easy to read format, yet you still have to write a letter that says the same thing again but with five times as many words. It’s like writing a paper for an English class – come up with one idea and repeat it 10 different ways.
Once the formalities are over and the answer is yes, it’s time for the first date. First dates are inherently awkward. It’s a law of nature, just like women having to pee every hour on the hour. Neither person knows what to expect, though one is expected to be in charge of the whole thing and there is a lot of awkward hand movement.
The job interview is the first date of the business world. The interviewer and the interviewee carry on a charade of niceties as they both try to convince the other that they really are as awesome as they are hoping they come across. And in the end, there’s still awkward hand movement as the parting handshake is given, usually from a distance. Strangely enough, a kiss on a job interview is never as magical as a kiss on a first date.
If things go well enough on the first date, a second date (or interview) is in order. This is the crucial one. Formalities are out of the way and it’s time to really decide if this person is worth getting serious with. Often, this takes place over some kind of meal and more intrusive questions are asked. By the end of the date/interview, there’s either a budding relationship or the whole thing is called off.
Assuming the relationship buds, the next step is engagement/internship, or at least that’s how it seems to work in Utah.
“How long have you two been dating?”
“Oh, we met last week and got engaged last night, where he proposed to me at the temple grounds. We’re so in love, it’s like we were meant for each other.”
The questioner promptly gags himself. Seriously guys, girls know what’s up if you take them to the temple grounds. Propose somewhere else.
Being engaged is quite similar to being an intern. At first, everything is exciting and you can’t keep away from one another for more than five minutes. Then the fights start. You try sleeping over and your boss locks you out and calls the cops on you. Oh, nobody else had that problem. Um, me neither.
Finally, the blessed day arrives and the couple are happily married/hired. After a lot of paperwork and some fiddling around with social security cards, there’s a big celebration that’s followed by a brief honeymoon phase. During this time, you can do no wrong. Even if you do mess up, it’s OK because you’re new and inexperienced and the wife hopes one day you’ll actually pick up your socks.
Eventually, the gloves come off and there is confrontation, usually over money. Marriage counseling/human resource involvement is often used to overcome these issues and the relationship heals itself and things continue on.
After years of devotion to one another, there is a parting as one of the partners dies. Yes, retirement is a sad time. It’s hard to not think about your old partner but somehow working at Wal-Mart as a greeter to supplement the non-existent social security checks pulls you through your remaining days.
So there you have it. Dating and job interviews are practically the same thing. So, as I continue my search for a job, all I have to do is woo a future employer as I did my wife. I just hope I don’t have to watch a chick flick to get hired.
Seth Hawkins is a senior majoring in public relations who hopes his scoutmaster was right about an Eagle Scout award being enough to land him a job. Questions can be sent to him at seth.h@aggiemail.usu.edu