COLUMN: Good-bye Damien, hello Harry Potter
That’s affirmative Potterites, according to Christians around the globe, the boy from 4 Privet Drive is the driving influence behind the New World Order and Satan’s rolling plan to take over the souls of all men, women, children, dogs, cats and parakeets on Earth.
And in case you dozed off while listening to Pat Robertson groan on about Potter and his “mark of the beast” scar on his forehead, you better stay clear of J. K. Rowling and her creations, otherwise, you’re bound for hell.
You heard me. Hell. Devils and pitchforks. An everlasting lake of fire, outer darkness, purgatory or whatever else you want to call Lucifer’s Magic Kingdom for Wizards. If you’ve read “Sorcerer’s Stone,” or “Chamber of Secrets” or the other two books in Rowling’s tale of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, you might as well tattoo Harry’s Lord of Lies emblem on your forehead too, because you’ve just subscribed to the Satanist Book of the Month Club. Congrats.
By the way, don’t think for a minute that age matters. Whether you’re six or 66, your soul has already been harvested by the Son of the Morning and his horned minions of doom. Hook, line and sinker, baby. The inferno of everlasting torment awaits your insignificant literary spirit.
How could we be so naive? Damn that Harry Potter.
Give me a break, please.
This has to be the kind of moronic chaos that makes God chuckle. I’m sure the folks upstairs are lounging in their white togas, cracking jokes about how the dim-witted earthlings are fermenting a over-enthusiastic ruckus about Harry Potter. Do you think anyone associated with the virtues of faith, hope and charity gives a hoot about Hedwig and Hagrid or Dumbledore and Draco?
I’d bet a Golden Snitch the higher power could care less. However, you never know, Harry could be the messenger of darkness. I know if I was Satan and I wanted to destroy the human race and rule over mankind, I’d push my propaganda through a series of books marketed towards children. Who better to run the Church of Satan, learn Necromancy and execute blood sacrifices than a bunch of 8-year-old girls and boys?
Heck, by the time these kids are in their teens, they could be reading “Origin of the Species,” “Of Mice and Men,” “The Color Purple” or “Flowers for Algernon,” and be well on their way to bringing Christianity to its knees.
I haven’t read any Harry Potter books. My wife has, along with my sister, some friends and a few of my sister and brother-in-laws. Yeah, they’re apparently going to hell. Their shift to the dark side of the force is excruciatingly obvious. My wife chants on a routine basis and my other friends and family have this overwhelming desire to bond with Siegfried and Roy. Mostly, I keep a bottle of holy water nearby. That and garlic. Lots of garlic.
I suppose it’s a good thing these extreme right-wing Christian save-the-world groups are marching to censor and restrict a surplus of great books in our country’s libraries. Because, who are we kidding, do we really want citizens who think for themselves, who can actually read and have abundant minds, topped with creativity and curiosity? No, sir.
When that happens, people question what they believe, and in Christendom when beliefs are questioned the collection plate ceases to exist.
And that is why Harry Potter is the devil in disguise.