COLUMN: Have too much money? I have an answer
This week, for those of you who read my last column, I came to a daunting conclusion. Thanks to my new plan involving the induction of foosball into the university curriculum and the inevitable scholarship I am going to receive, I realized, rather desperately, I am going to have too much money on my hands – a situation that would be anyone’s worse nightmare, I know.
While pondering over this terrible predicament, I then realized that clearly, being amongst many of my fellow students, it was extremely unlikely I would be alone with this problem. What normal college student hasn’t run into this entanglement at one time or another?
My first bit of advice: Do not panic. For the obvious majority of you who suffer from this seemingly insurmountable obstacle, I have a solution.
Upon a rather innocent investigation, one might come to the conclusion there are many noble causes at which you could carelessly throw your money.
Sure there are charities and foundations, government programs and local causes that could all be the recipients of your annoying sum of cash, but let’s be honest, that’s going to require some work on your part.
You will have to go out and research some charities to find the one you think appropriate – you don’t want to take the risk of your money falling into the hands of such wayward charities as the PFMPPC (People For the Mass Production of Pokémon Cards) or HPADO (Headless Persons Anti-Discrimination Organization).
Work? Uuuggghhh. Don’t worry, I feel just the same as you. That’s why I have a proposition.
Instead of forcing you to go out and make other people take your money, why don’t we have the money takers come to you in your daily life.
Since we’re all students, this would most appropriately involve the university, and I can’t think of anything that drains my wallet faster than some of the random fees I have encountered on campus.
So, in order to relieve you of your financial burdens, I propose the university add the following student fees to our current ones:
• Sure we have parking fees, but many students have found a way around that. How about parking meters at the bike racks so that we can get a hold of all those freeloaders (who obviously will be happy to rid themselves of their extra cash).
• For that matter, I’ve noticed a lot more students walking up to campus these days. To lighten their financial load, we should set up tollbooths on the sidewalks.
• Classes require you buy certain books, yes, but why stop there? From now on classes should also require certain clothes that can conveniently be bought in the apparel section of the bookstore.
• Right now the university is just letting people pile into the computer labs for no charge. An hourly usage rate should take care of that.
• There are various sculptures sitting throughout campus that cost the university a fortune, and yet students are walking by and looking at them for free. Students should purchase the right to examine this art, and anyone caught looking at any of the sculptures without a receipt should be fined.
As I mentioned at the beginning: Don’t panic.
Once these student fees are set in place you will be relieved to watch your bank account shrink back to it’s normal, next-to-non-existent state without any undue exertion on your own part.
As for me, even if I do happen to escape any of the above fees, I have a failsafe backup plan. I’ll propose a strict fine on any columnist using dangerous levels of sarcasm in their articles.
Marty Reeder is a junior majoring inEnglish education. Comments can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu