COLUMN: How to get through this years homecoming week

By STEVE SCHWARTZMAN

Picture your 17-year-old self, snugly sitting home, when you hear the doorbell ring. You put your books down, throw on some slippers and head for the door.

    On your porch, you find a three-foot paper mache duck, filled with jolly ranchers and hundreds of small notes labeled “try again.” Except, of course, for the one yielding the most fateful of phrases your teenage mind could possibly concoct.

    “I’d go QUACKERS if you went to Homecoming with me.”

    Congratulations, average Utahn or Idahoan teenage girl, you’ve just been asked to the homecoming dance.

    Many of us have been in this situation, our own personal “Degrassi” or “One Tree Hill” episodes and teenage definitions of life, love and other generic categories we take too seriously.

    Football games, pep rallies, themed dress-up days, they all lead up to the formal dance so significantly important it might as well be labeled prom’s co-captain. Homecoming week just seemed so life-altering when I was young.

    For those new to university life, we run homecoming a little differently here. Don’t worry too much, the fanfare and mad sense of school spirit is about the same, but upper-level education homecoming celebrations come with a few rites of passage for getting the most of your H-Week experience.

    With that in mind – and noting that if you’ve read my past columns you’ll learn I really like making lists – here are a few ways you can make the best of every school’s most celebrated week.

    First and foremost, be sure to wear blue. Of course, a good amount of this is certainly because we want to support our school, have Aggie pride and what-not, but the purpose of this advice derives from an even deeper motive: camouflage.

    As good as it is to have fun this week, it’s also proper to maintain a good amount of safety.    Keep in mind this week will be plastered with energetic public displays, and to avoid being lured in by table displays, megaphone-induced announcements and those free-credit card representatives (you have to be careful with them, they’re like ninjas) it’s best to dress like everyone else and lay low.

    Now if public attention is your cup of tang, by all means there is always a lime green hoodie with your name on it, but for you natural introverts, it’s best to run the system to your favor.

    Next, just let the alumni do their thing. For the next few days you’ll rub shoulders with more former USU students than you will ever see again, and believe me, they will be everywhere from the bookstore to the Marketplace, and possibly your apartment bathroom.

    These Aggie-loving geezers may get in the way and cause a bit of frustration, but let yourself enjoy this one. Swap football and war stories, take in some experienced, clever humor and do everything you can to be one with the ones who once were.

    It not only gives homecoming a bit of nostalgia, but also surely allows us to appreciate sweater vests much more than we ever dreamt we would.

    Finally, the real kicker to a great homecoming week, take in the true splendor of True Aggie Night. Now let me get this straight, you don’t have to become a True Aggie this week, there’s no rule or tyranny to that.

    However, if you aren’t going to become a True Aggie you might as well enjoy the sight of other people becoming True Aggies.

    True Aggie Night is a people-watcher’s paradise – a hormone-savvy world where any random two people can swap saliva on a cement pedestal with little to no consequence.

    Whether you enjoy watching other people on their own “Countdown to Mono” or simply enjoy large gatherings of people next to large buildings, True Aggie Night, aside from numerous other fulfilling activities, has something for everyone.

    With these three simple steps, coupled with the possibility of tons of free food, an outstanding time can be had by all. So get out, have fun, and see to it you make the most of this time dedicated to your enjoyment and love for this university.

    You may love fun activities, seeing excited people or, like me, are just relieved to have a week rid of paper mache ducks. But one thing is for sure, if you’re looking to enjoy this homecoming week, you’ve got options.

    And if you happen to go to the dance, please don’t attempt the Macerena. That’s just embarrassing.

– steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu