COLUMN: I am the great ninja from Idaho
I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but there’s something you should know. Marv ‘n’ Joes are no longer only a dollar. Not only that, but evil walks freely among us. I’m not talking about ding-your-door evil or not-rewind-the-video evil. I’m talking about full-on, princess-kidnapping, genetic-monster-creating, driving-slow-in-the-fast-lane level evil. I know our parents taught us all how to identify evil. “Evil,” my dad would say “always walks around with a dark cape with a high collar and usually has bats flying around it.” Things may have been that simple when our parents were kids. But, in today’s world of the Internet, catgirls and citrus flavored cola, evil has become a lot more subtle. On the whole I trust my readers. You’re not zombies, and in this crazy world I say that should still count for something. This being said, I think it’s time to tell you my secret. In this column I’ve talked a lot about what I wish I could be: a cyborg, a super hero, a guy with tickets for the opening night of “Revenge of the Sith.” Today though, I’m going to talk about what I really am. I am not Captain Planet, I am not Spartacus, I’m not even the Muffin Man. What I am, is a ninja. I am the last great Idaho ninja to be exact. And it’s my job to protect the world from evil. I know most of you don’t believe that because you assume have what is known as the traditional geek physique. The truth however couldn’t be more different. Well I suppose it could, but that would require me to be a human squid. As it is, I’m a short hairy white kid. The closest thing I ever seen to an action hero of my stature was Gimli, the dwarf from “Lord of the Rings.” Which actually, now that I think about it, sounds exactly like the traditional geek physique. Regardless, I am in truth a finely tuned fighting machine. I could easily disarm and disable at least 54 percent of the population here on campus. Twenty-four percent if we don’t count women. I am Utah’s highest-ranking practitioner of Jun-Geek, a deadly martial art developed over almost 23 years of playing fighting games and watching Van-Dam movies. I’ll reach the highest level as soon as I figure out which muscles I need to flex in order to shoot blue fireballs out of my hands. This may come as a surprise to those of you who have watched me try to perform various physical activities, such as playing sports, walking on ice or opening a can of beans only to end up sprained, bruised or bleeding profusely. I can assure you that this is all a clever act to fool evil into coming out of its evil hiding places. Once evil stops watching “American Idol” and gets off the couch, we will have our final show down. I’ll win of course but not before evil kills my master or best friend since childhood. To get ready for the event I’ll be training hard. If during this process I end up punching you in the face, it’s because you look evil. You should take is as friendly advice not to wear a cape. Also, stop having shifty eyes. I’ll be doing other things too. If you see a dark figure trying to break into the back of Best Buy some night, it’s just me. You can wave, but don’t be offended if I don’t wave back. I’ll be on important ninja business, liberating copies of Half-Life 2 and World of Warcraft from the Best Buy. I mean the evil Best Buy. Tune in next Monday, March 14, for my big Pi-day extravaganza. Until then, geek on.Steve Shinney is a junior in computer science and is currently unconscious due to a nunchuck accident. Comments can be sent to steveshinney@cc.usu.edu