COLUMN: I was gone for two years and this happened?
Every life seems to revolve around change – the only constants being death, taxes and Joan Rivers having cheekbones sharp enough to slice various cuts of meat.
On a daily basis we see dirt turn to grass, sun setting in the West and numerous anecdotes plastered on Hallmark cards the world over.
I came to notice this invariable phenomenon in June when I returned from my two-year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Houston, Texas. Even though I was nestled in the United States, as opposed to an underdeveloped country, for twenty-four months, I still found myself dumbfounded by the countless changes made in that time in the real world.
After months of no radio or television, I reentered a society that wouldn’t shock me if they wore pajamas to work, and convincingly thought Gilbert Godfrey was interesting.
In lieu of this personal debacle, and mainly because people like opinion-based lists, I felt it in my jurisdiction to map out the top three Best and Worst of things I missed out on these last two years, the only medicine to gallivanting around my hometown and screaming “Holy crap! We have a Chick-Fil-A now!”
Bests
3. Sandra Bullock actually did something right – I’m not sure anyone saw it coming.
Most of America woke up earlier this spring and heard the news in shock and awe.
Sandra Bullock’s 2010 Academy Award for Best Actress can go down in the annals of history as the pop culture shot heard ‘round the world. This is the same lady who starred in the two worst movies ever made (“Speed” and, of course, its witty satire “Speed 2”). It follows a long-understood wisdom, as a testament to us all, that great things can happen to anyone as long they make movies about football.
2. BYU 62, USU 72: The day Cache Valley stood still – I remember being lime green with envy after receiving a letter about this on my mission. Four years of devout anticipation, numerous anti-Cougar induced drafts of The Refraction shaking and boiling in e-mail inboxes, and hearts ready to stick it to our stuck-ups from Happy Valley finally came through.
The Cougar’s unpleasant return to the Spectrum must have been a gargantuan sigh of relief for Aggies near and far. I’m truly saddened that I missed one of the greatest lessons ever learned: when Dave Rose is frustrated, we can all sleep easy.
1. The KFC Double Down sandwich – it was as if KFC had either read my diary or participated in dream sharing, because their newest edible installment completely met the desires of my heart. Never in my life had I encountered something with as much wonder and grace as cooking grease, the Double Down Sandwich – a marvel consisting of bacon, pepper jack cheese and chicken as the buns. It stood as a giant among men in the delicatessen world.
This $4.91 treat has filled my desires like cinnamon ropes on Christmas morn, saluting in me the assurance that hard times are always eased with variations of fried foods. This wondrous concoction, a symbol of redemption to their coleslaw … wait, scratch that … to any of their sides … is a battered and seasoned symbol of hope, truly earning the honor of the best thing that happened while I was on my mission.
Worsts
3. The rushing river of celebrity deaths – The summer of 2009 was a source of mass tragedy for any true reader of People magazine, as an endless file of famous people met their maker in what seemed like a day-by-day celeb-genocide. The list went on and on – Farrah Fawcett, Patrick Swayze, Walter Cronkite, Ed McMahon, that guy who sang “Thriller” and numerous others. The most devastating of all, of course, was the great Billy Mays, the father of modern economics, and the voice of the incomparable OxiClean quietly left this earth, leaving us all in utter disdain. May we always remember him and stand in wonder of his prowess whenever we polish an oxidized penny.
2. Utah has a new Governor – This hurtful truth is pretty black and white. It’s not that there is anything wrong with Governor Gary Herbert, I’m sure he’s great.
But let’s be honest, Governor Huntsman rode motorcycles. When are we ever going to fall upon a governor that cool again?
Never, that’s when. It’s imperative that Utah have a cool governor to save face, and with any hope we will find that Governor Herbert does one of only three things that could save his cool points – he drives monster trucks, he once won a national hot-wing eating contest, or there’s a chance he is actually Jason Bourne – but I have my doubts.
1. Lady Gaga – Now, let me be clear. I could fill this spot with myriad two-bit, push-over, Seventeen magazine-famed megastars, this is understood. So why do I choose the world’s most radioactive Barbie doll? This answer is simple, really. Regardless of her music, her antics in public, or the fact that she’s the most annoying thing we’ve encountered since David Schwimmer, there is no way I could ever support anything named “Gaga.” Honestly? She couldn’t think of a more clever name?
Call me crazy, but if the name inspires me to feed a jar of spinach to an infant, don’t expect me to lobby them endlessly during the Grammys. Never have we met a worse name set-up since Uncle Kracker or possibly Lil Bow Wow. It’s an age-old tale, cool names are equal in proportion to success. Just ask the likes of Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Destiny’s Child and Kenny G – lackluster music, sweet names.
All in all, numerous memories were made in my time away from society. All these events tell me one resounding thing: outside of Scotsman Dogs, Slurpees and movies starring Cedric the Entertainer, I haven’t missed much.
Questions or comments can be left for Steve at steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu. Look in each Wednesday’s issue of The Utah Statesman for more of his columns.