COLUMN: Ice is best for Kool-Aid
Water is scary.
I’m not saying that because of the creatures that live in the water that kill Crocodile hunters and provide footage for B-grade ’80s films – I mean there is something scary about water.
Considering how water is the most plentiful resource on the earth and makes up about 60 percent of the human body, it’s a bizarre phobia to have. My real fear of water isn’t so much over water itself, but when it is crossed with sports.
Not being much of an athlete myself (hence the column name), I struggle with seemingly basic sporting tasks. Running for more than three minutes continuously is a grave sin in my mind. Exercising for fun is beyond me. The concept of adding water to sporting events just blows my mind.
No matter what state water is in – solid, liquid or gas – I don’t do well with it once it’s crossed with athletics.
I think my fear of liquid started at an early age when I almost drowned in the wave pool at Seven Peaks Waterpark. That instilled paranoia in me for years that prevented me from swimming in any water over my head.
I don’t even want to talk about why I’m terrified of water in its gaseous form.
My most recent adventures with the solid form of water (by the way, it’s ice for all you art majors) left me more petrified of water than ever before: I tried my hand at ice skating.
I love ice skating, as long as I’m not the one on skates. Hockey is even my favorite sport. And who doesn’t love watching figure skating? The artistry and drama of figure skating is something we all enjoy. Come on, who can forget Tonya Harding hiring someone to trash Nancy Kerrigan’s knee? That’s athletics at its finest.
As I walked into the Eccles Ice Arena and saw the ice, I shuddered, anticipating my inevitable death from being sliced to shreds by ice skates after I slipped and fell. My fiancée said I was being overly dramatic and to shut up and grab some skates.
The last time I skated was when I was 12 years old at some ghetto place in Provo. I don’t remember much about that event except falling repeatedly and thinking to myself, “Ice is meant for Kool-Aid and healing injuries, not for causing injuries.”
But I did remember a valuable lesson from my first attempt at ice skating: get hockey skates; they’re easier.
Sitting down with my skates, I tried to figure out how to lace them up properly. After all, hockey skates have three times as many laces as Shaq’s basketball shoes. What on earth was I supposed to do with all this extra lace? Luckily, I remembered scenes from “The Mighty Ducks” and “Miracle” depicting the proper way to lace up the skates and figured it out without too much trouble.
As I stood up and tried to walk, I could only think, “I’m going to try break my ankles. If not by walking, for sure as soon as these blades hit the ice.”
Fortunately, I made my way to the rink without snapping any bones. The skaters already on the ice were flying by so fast I knew I was going to be pummeled to death if I wasn’t careful. I carefully placed one foot on the ice and pulled the other leg next to it as I held tightly to the boards. Gripping the boards as I moved along the ice, I found it wasn’t nearly as hard as I’d thought. But then I realized I was holding onto the wall. Seriously, only sissies and players for the Philadelphia Flyers players hold onto the boards while skating.
Breaking away from the wall and skating on my own two feet proved to be easier than anticipated. Granted, I held my fiancée’s hand to prevent myself from falling, but at least I was well on my way to becoming the next Wayne Gretzky.
After the 80th time around the rink – it gets old quick – I really started to catch on and was moving pretty quickly. But as more people joined the skating frenzy, the ice started getting choppy and developed deep grooves that made it difficult to skate.
Miraculously, I never actually fell on the ice. I attribute my skating success to the years of roller hockey I played as a teenager. It was the only sport I was ever good at.
So, while I conquered my fear of ice, I still hold fast the belief that ice is best used for lemonade on a hot summer day or for throwing at the bully down the street.
Seth Hawkins is a sophomore majoring in public relations. He is currently being recruited by the Philadelphia Flyers, as he fits in well to their program. Seth can be reached at sethhawkins@cc.usu.edu