COLUMN: It’s not just me — stupid people are everywhere
Everything is relative. Earlier this semester, I wrote a column admitting some of the stupid things I had done in my short life. It turns out I just thought I was stupid.
Jan. 6, the day my column was printed, alert reader Kendra Miller sent me an e-mail linking me to darwinawards.com. The Darwin Awards are given to the stupidest people in the world.
At the top of the page lies the awards’ mission statement: “Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.”
I was thrilled to find a new Web site that was interesting to me. Previously, my net surfing comprised checking my e-mail, looking at espn.com, going to google.com (where I found exciting facts, like the phrase “I really like pancakes” appears 17 times on the Internet) and then going back to my e-mail where I would click “refresh” over and over, hoping that something would come.
Some of you out there have low grades. Perhaps you’re forgetful. Maybe you’re so slow-minded that you still have to tell yourself the rabbit story every time you tie your shoes. But, like me, you only think that you’re stupid.
In July 2002, temperatures were in the high 90’s at Obonga Lake, Canada. While boating with his wife and children, our Darwin Award winner turned off the engine, took off his shirt and, in an attempt to beat the heat, hopped into the lake.
That’s the background, here’s where this brainiac went wrong.
Mistake number one: “He was unable to swim and wasn’t wearing a life jacket — the logical attire of a boating non-swimmer.”
Mistake number two: “Neglecting to consider the effects of the wind, which was not only pushing the boat away from him, but also foiling efforts to throw him a life preserver.”
Mistake number three: “Not teaching his wife to drive the boat, she was unable to start the engine, drive over, and rescue him. Although he already had several children, he certainly won’t be adding any more tadpoles to the gene pool,” according to the Web site.
Another genius from Brazil had to do some work near a beehive. To protect himself, he wore lots of clothes and tied a plastic bag over his head.
The story, entitled “Bees 1, Humans 0” said, “The plastic bag had protected him from smoke, stingers, and … oxygen! He had forgotten to put breathing holes in the bag.”
Doesn’t it make you feel good that you’re not this stupid? And here I am, beating myself up over thinking, until two months ago, that Phil Collins was singing the words, “She seems to have an invisible tough shed” (the lyrics actually say “… an invisible touch”).
At least I’m not like a Houston man mentioned on the Web site, who chased a half-full can of beer across a freeway and was hit by a truck.
It’s true. I’ll admit it. Last year I slid headfirst into second base in a softball game and my sweatpants and underwear went down to my ankles, but at least I’m not a Darwin Award winner. Knock on wood.
Clark Jessop is a senior majoring in broadcast journalism. Comments can be sent to clarkjessop@cc.usu.edu.