COLUMN: It’s too cold and that’s no bull
I feel bad for the Aggie bronze bull. He needs a pair of pants.
I think he suffers from scrotal frigidity.
That’s right; the proud Utah State mascot who stands majestically on the corner of 800 East and 1200 North near the Smith Spectrum has bright blue balls.
And if for some odd reason I suffered a massive head trauma, resulting in a lack of sensory perception and memory, I would still know winter is officially here is by having a glance between the bronze bull’s legs. It’s like my own personal thermometer.
Sure meteorologists, astronomers and those annoying guys at work who think they know everything will tell you that winter in the northern hemisphere doesn’t “officially” arrive until later this month.
It coincides with a made-up phenomenon called the Winter Solstice, when apparently we live through the shortest day of the year.
Furthermore, this annual event results in mass quantities of human graves erupting with soulless zombies, who scoot about town, snap their fingers in a choreographed routine and subliminally chant something about a thriller night.
Winter Solstice has been around since 1983, but most of the upcoming generation seems to have forgotten about its occurrence.
It’s no wonder I have distrust for meteorologists and astronomers. I don’t understand why zombies have anything to do with cold weather.
A much more reliable winter predictor involves grandpas.
I guess after you’ve lived long enough, your body understands climate changes, which is why grandpas seem so deft when they accurately announce weather changes by remarking something like, “I can feel it in my bones,” or if they prefer altering the weather, “Pull my finger, and wait for the hurricane!”
Either way, grandpas are awesome, but when they’re gone and before they achieved the zombie stage, we are left to generate forecasts on our own.
Although bull ball-gazing may be a veracious climatologic indicator, it seems somewhat inappropriate. Maybe I haven’t been in Cache Valley long enough, but it just feels wrong to have a daily inspection of livestock genitalia. Real or not.
If you haven’t figured it out already, I’m not a native Utaher … Utahian … Utahite … umm … Utahn … that’s it! However, after living here for the better part of four years, other than being downright frigid, I’ve discovered the true way to know winter has arrived.
When Aggie fans annually become proud of their major USU sports team, we know basketball season is in full swing and winter has begun.
The USU cross country running team regularly is amazing. However, fan support isn’t feasible, as cheering for a favorite runner would require fans to also be up-and-coming Olympians.
If the sport were altered to include little red wagons, then athletes would be able to tow as many fans as they want. Competing school’s runners would be jealous that they don’t get a personal Scotsman wave every time they make it over a grueling hill.
But as was witnessed Wednesday night in the Spectrum, Aggie fans have a reason to smile. Dec. 6 marks this year’s official start to winter in Logan. It will be henceforth called “Chaz Spicer Day.”
Or as I think of it subconsciously, “Why the Hell Does USU Have a Football Team Day.”
Any way you look at it, the earth has tilted, Grandpa’s knee is acting up and the Aggies are happy. So it’s time to button up, don mittens and a warm hat, because Cache Valley is terribly cold.
Winter is “officially” here, and you don’t want to get caught with your pants down.
Just ask the bronze bull.
Garrett Wheeler is a
columnist for the Utah Statesman. Comments can be sent to wheel@cc.usu.edu.