COLUMN: iTunes: Taking over my life one tune at a time
Microsoft may have succeeded in taking over the world, but Apple has effectively taken over my life.
No, I haven’t suddenly become trendy in a I’m-casual-but-hip-because-I-use-a-Mac kind of way and I don’t go randomly picking fights with slightly overweight, middle-aged balding men with glasses about who’s operating system is cooler. Although, that’s not all that different from what I did in high school.
It’s worse. Apple, via iTunes, has turned me into a music zombie awaiting a command from Steve Jobs to head a worldwide attack on Redmond, Wash. I find myself waking at random times in the night muttering Bill Gates’ name like a curse word and humming the all-powerful Apple start-up tune.
I first downloaded iTunes a few years back upon a recommendation from my father. With much trepidation, I used my PC to log on to Apple’s Web site and download the program. I was worried little cartoon apples would jump on my computer and worms would come out and corrupt the hard drive. What do you mean that’s not how worms work?
Up until I got iTunes, I was a staunch Windows Media Player fan, not so much because I had a great love for it but because I’m the second cheapest man alive and it came free with my computer. I’m not telling who the cheapest man in the world is, so don’t ask.
But once I opened iTunes, I was hooked. They say smoking works the same way, but at least cigarettes don’t give you auralobsessivitis cancer. Talk about addicting.
Besides having a simple interface, audio file compatibility and great streaming-audio radio stations, iTunes was free and updated my music library automatically. What really sold it for me was the little album cover pictures that rotate as you scroll through the library, though it sadly took me months to figure out how to make that work correctly.
Yes, my life with iTunes was a match made in heaven, or at least nerdland. Just when I thought we were inseparable, it happened.
Upon opening the program one morning, immediately a little box popped up saying a new version of iTunes was available for download. Of course I wanted it, so I downloaded it. Three hours later my computer was overtaken by a newer, flashier – well, as flashy as Apple gets in pencil-lead gray – iTunes and a couple of its sidekicks: QuickTime, Safari, the Apple Updater, the Mac startup sound, a Billy Mays set of steak knives and a pet chihuahua courtesy of the folks in Silicon Valley.
Slowly, one song at a time, and 3,000 iTunes updates later, I have become addicted to iTunes. I can’t go a day without opening the program and listening to music.
Things got worse last Christmas. Up until that point, I had resisted the urge to run out and buy an iPod since my smart phone also functions as an mp3 player. But my dear sweet in-laws didn’t want me to be different from the rest of the family, so they purchased me an iPod.
An iPod. Seriously, could there be a more terrifying name? Science fiction books in the ’50s were full of these things, only they were evil, Venus flytrap-like monsters the size of planets that would eat spaceships traveling to the center of the galaxy to meet God.
The name is scary and the concept is deceptively creepy too. Simply turn on the device, find one of the three trillion songs you want to listen to, plug the headphones in your ear and you’re instantly hooked on audio cocaine.
Unlike most mp3 players, the iPod comes with Apple’s customized white headphones that fit nice and snug in the ear and slowly take over all inner ear functions. The first time I put them in, I couldn’t help but think of the scene from “Star Trek: The Wrath of Kahn,” where Kahn puts the Ceti eel in Chekov’s ear, which takes over the brain functions and allows Kahn to manipulate him. Was this going to happen to me? Who cares, I needed my fix of “Pour Some Sugar on Me.”
After scientific analysis – mainly my random ruminations on parallels between “Star Trek” and my life – I’ve determined iPods are Ceti eels and Jobs is Kahn with jeans that are too tight and no wicked scar, calling the shots and turning us all into music zombies.
It’s true. Think about it. Walking down the sidewalk or riding the bus, how many people have those little ear buds planted in place and stare off into space with a glazed-over look? They can’t take them out of their ears for fear they may become deaf before hearing that Britney Spears song one more time. So they listen on.
Not only am I a slave to my iPod, I have become tragically obsessed with the iTunes store. If messing up the national economy was as easy as downloading an iTunes song, our stock markets would be in the tank. Hmm, maybe that explains things.
The iTunes store allows you to simply press a button and the song is yours. Gone are the days where you had to deliberate over a $15 CD purchase. Now, you find a song and buy. This has led to horrible consequences in my personal life.
Sharing a computer with my wife means I also share iTunes with her, which means I have to put up with her iTunes purchases. This results in the most inhumane torture conceivable: being subjected to songs by Regina Spektor and Jason Mraz. I try listening to hours of Metallica to make up for it but it doesn’t seem to help.
Things aren’t looking any better in the future either. iTunes recently released a new feature called Genius, which takes over any thinking functions you have left and picks all your music for you.
I have a bad feeling about all this technology, though I can’t put my finger on exactly what it is. Oh well, it will have to wait until this song’s over. It’s a good one.
Seth Hawkins is a senior majoring in public relations who can’t wait for iPods to be synced to your heartbeat so it automatically plays music based on your moods. Comments can be sent to him at seth.h@aggiemail.usu.edu.