COLUMN: Johnson takes head-hunting to new level with killer fastball
If there’s one person in the majors who ought to be afraid of Arizona’s Randy Johnson, it’s Philadelphia pitcher Paul Byrd.
After what happened Saturday during the Diamondbacks’ 10-6 victory over the San Francisco Giants, Byrd ought to be fearful for his life. If he’s smart, he’ll do whatever it takes to make sure he doesn’t have to pitch against Johnson this season.
The Big Unit killed the last bird that got in his way. Who’s to say what wouldn’t happen to Philadelphia’s Byrd if he had to face Johnson in a close game?
Johnson, who won the NL Cy Young Award last season, watched helplessly as his 95 mph fastball collided with a dove on its way to home plate, killing the bird and giving new meaning to the term “foul ball.”
Johnson’s pitch to San Francisco’s Calvin Murray was about 3/4 of the way to the plate when the dove came soaring in from the third-base side of the infield and intercepted the pitch.
The ball’s momentum knocked the dove over catcher Rod Barajas’ head and left a cloud of grayish-white feathers in front of home plate.
(Altogether now: “EEEWWWW”)
Yeah, if I were Paul Byrd I think I’d watch my team face Johnson from the luxury (and safety) of the clubhouse. I’d pull the TV over in front of the hot tub and thank my lucky stars there were concrete walls between me and the pitcher’s mound.
The funniest thing about the whole incident might have been that Johnson didn’t see any humor in it.
“I didn’t think it was all that funny,” ESPN.com reported Johnson said when asked about his killer pitch.
OK, maybe it’s not knee-slapping humor, but you have to admit, it is amusing. You can’t help but chuckle at least a little bit and ask yourself, “Man, what are the odds of that actually happening.”
Now I know what all you animal rights activists are thinking: “Casey, you heartless pig, I can’t believe they pay you to write this smut. Have you no decency? That was a living, breathing creature – the very symbol of peace – and now it’s gone. This is precisely why we should do away with sports. Look what it breeds: hatred and death!”
That dove is gone, all right. Gone in a fantastic display of feathers and dust. And believe me, World Peace is not in jeopardy now. The food chain hasn’t been altered; the forces of nature haven’t been sabotaged; and, though it’s inconceivable to some of you, life will go on. (Except for that dove, of course. He’s probably been grilled and digested by now.)
So relax and take this for what it is. Laugh at it. It’s OK.
I’m not saying we should take pleasure in death, nor am I advocating mousetraps at the bottom of dogs’ water dishes. That’s cruel.
But this . . . this was amusing.
If the truth were known, I don’t think the Big Unit would be all that upset over killing the dove. I know he said he didn’t think it was funny, but I think he was probably more disappointed that the pitch never made it to the plate – it looked like it was going to paint the outside corner for a perfect strike. That’s probably why Johnson didn’t find it amusing. He was robbed.
If anything, the image of that dove exploding upon impact will probably make Johnson even more intimidating to many hitters – especially Calvin Murray. The next time Murray faces Johnson, he’s not going to be thinking about waiting for his pitch, advancing the runners or anything else strategic, for that matter.
Murray will be haunted by visions of that dove exploding right in front of him as he prays for any pitch but the fastball.
And the rest of us? When people talk about once-in-a-lifetime experiences like Haley’s Comet and the ushering in of a new century, we’ll be able to contribute to the conversation.
“Nah, I missed Haley’s Comet when it came around,” we’ll say. “But back in the spring of 2001, I saw Randy Johnson kill a dove with a fastball. Feathers went everywhere. That was an image I’ll never forget.”
Haley’s Comet will be back again some day. Science has proven that. Who knows when we’ll see another killer fastball?
Casey Hobson is a senior majoring in journalism. He can be reached at hobsonhut@hotmail.com