COLUMN: Lame Spring Breaks can be saved with clever covering of the truth

Dear Lindsay,

Spring Break seems like such a big deal for college students and it’s almost expected that you’ll go somewhere and do something crazy. But this year, all I’m doing is going home and thinking about all the fun everyone else must be having. My question for you is: Are the majority of USU students really partying it up on the typical spring vacation? And, if so, how do I make myself sound like less of a loser when they all ask me what I did for the break?

Sincerely, No Cancun for Me

Dear No Cancun,

Perhaps you’ve been exposed to a little too much MTV-style Spring Break programming, but your ideas of what students have been doing over the past week seem to be a little blurred.

Honestly, do you really think the majority of your peers spent the break in tropical locations, entering wet T-shirt contests, spending exorbitant amounts of money and having the time of their lives?

Of course they did. After all, TV and movies don’t lie. It’s not like MTV pays all those college students to just act like they are having a good time. That’s reality – and that’s exactly what you missed out on. Almost every person you’ll see on Monday will have a new tan, plenty of souvenirs and incredible stories to tell. If you happen to come across someone who claims to have done nothing for the break, understand they most likely had so much fun that they didn’t even remember it the next day … if you know what I mean.

You know, because they hit their head really hard or happen to be suffering from fun-induced memory loss.

Now that you can fully recognize your Spring Break minority status, we can move on to the next area in question: Covering up that status. And since loser is a harsh term, I won’t actually refer to you as that – I’ll only allude to it.

To avoid any potentially embarrassing situations, simply exaggerate or distort the truth when asked about your vacation. But since this question is actually being answered the day school starts, you may have already faced a few questions before being able to consult this article.

If you failed to enhance your actual situation and just stated the sad facts, stop now. Simply begin answering with a slightly altered version of your previous story, this time leaving out the family dinners and TV watching and including more table-top dancing.

If confronted about your varying accounts, you can always fall back on that fun-induced memory loss problem that seems to be prevalent here on campus.

But by the slight chance this excuse isn’t accepted, I’ll do my best to save you from any further embarrassment. Being partly responsible since I didn’t get an answer to you sooner, I would take it upon myself to solve the problem.

I would first apologize for not being able to equip you with my advice sooner. Then, I would offer to speak with any critical questioners to back up your new story.

“Yeah, we were totally on that boat together when you bashed your head into the side! Are you OK?” Or, “I am a trained medical professional and can certify that (insert your name here) has been properly diagnosed with short-term memory loss.” These are only a couple of the examples I am capable of rescuing you with.

If this is the case, please contact me immediately to set up potential meeting points. Remember to provide me with an accurate description of the enhanced story and your excuse for variation in the stories.

This way, I can create a defense that is both believable and applicable to your specific situation. Lindsay Kite is a junior majoring in print journalism. In need of advice or a quick vacation story back-up? Please contact lindsaykite@cc.usu.edu