COLUMN: Lance Armstrong’s got nothing on me
Now that the Super Bowl is over ESPN can get back to their favorite topic: steroid use among professional athletes.
It seems that every sport is susceptible to this growing problem. Various athletes are accused of performance steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. Among these accused athletes are bicyclists Floyd Landis and Lance Armstrong.
Despite what has been said about these bicyclists, they are phenomenal athletes that have incredible fitness and strength. Believe me, I should know.
No, I haven’t raced in the Tour de France, nor do I ever want to. No, I don’t have cancer either. But, like many others, I have been inspired by Armstrong’s dedication to beat back incredible adversity and tackle another challenge.
With this inspiration I decided to beat back my own challenges – obesity and apathy – and race in the first ever Tour de Campus. Unfortunately for me nobody else was man enough to take on the challenge and I ended up having to do the race by myself.
The first obstacle I had to overcome to win the debut of the Tour de Campus was finding a bicycle. I used to have a nice bike fully equipped with disc brakes but after lending it to a friend it was stolen in the ghettos of California. Geez, you would think it was common sense to lock something up, but that’s an entirely different story.
After much searching I finally found my ride – the Statesman bike. This is perhaps the most carefully guarded secret at the Statesman. Yes, this small campus newspaper owns a black 21-speed that’s the envy of every local newspaper. Now that the secret’s out don’t be surprised to see news carriers riding light blue Herald Journal bikes. I can’t help it that the Statesman is ahead of the times.
As I opened the secret closet, securely guarded by Statesman knights (what I like to call photographers) I got my first glance at this ebony beauty. Other than being dusty and a bit creaky, it looked to be in good condition. As far as I was concerned it was the Corvette of bicycles.
I hopped on the bike and tried it out just outside the Statesman office. It’s a good thing you never forget how to ride a bike because I was pretty rusty and almost fell off a couple of times. Once I got my balance the only defect I could detect in the bike was some flatness in the tires, but I figured it would hold me.
Before setting off on my inaugural run of the Tour de Campus I made a bet with my wife how long it would take. I bet 15 to 20 minutes while she was confident it would take me at least a half hour. Determined to beat her I sped off as soon as the timer started.
The Tour de Campus started at the bus stop at the Taggart Student Center and headed east on 700 North. I zipped along this road until I came to the first crosswalk by the HPER. There I had to wait next to a bus while girls talking on their cell phones slowly walked across. I looked at my watch frustrated at the time I was losing.
As soon as I had an opening I was off. I rocketed down that road at a pace that left sidewalk pedestrians staring at me with confused looks on their faces. Apparently a fat kid racing down the road on a bike is a strange sight. It seemed normal enough to me.
By the time I reached the fine arts building I was starting to lose some of my enthusiasm for the race. I was starting to breath heavily and realized just how stupid I was to think I could honestly race around campus. But I knew I had to set a record and beat my wife’s bet.
I rounded the corner and hurtled down Highway 89. This was by far the most terrifying part of the journey. Even though there is a shoulder to this road that leaves a comfortable margin for bicyclists, it is still an incredibly steep hill. The gravel strewn across the road didn’t help the situation either.
I was just waiting for my already partially deflated tires to completely blow sending me into traffic where I would be squished like a giant fly. I’ll confess that’s not the way I plan on dying. I think going in a nuclear blast would be a much more painless way. I prayed all the way down for my brakes to not give out and for me to live to see another day.
Finally I reached the bottom of the hill and jumped the sidewalk to get to the road at the bottom of Old Main Hill. I zipped along this road feeling pretty good about myself until I came to the giant hill that takes you up to 700 North. Suddenly I didn’t feel so good.
I huffed and puffed my way up this hill in the lowest gear possible but I still had to take three breaks to prevent myself from passing out. I felt like throwing up and was ready for the Tour de Campus to be over. On the last stretch of the hill a car full of girls stared at my purple sweating face and laughed. That was enough motivation for me to finish the race.
As I crossed the finish line I was informed that I completed the race in 12:37.03. I couldn’t believe it. Not only had I beat my time but I’d also shattered my wife’s prediction as well. But it was a moral victory at best because I was light-headed and had this incredible urge to throw up. I also learned that I likely have a case of exercise induced asthma as I couldn’t stop coughing for the next three hours.
All in all it was a successful first Tour de Campus. The only thing that could have made it better was to have some competitors and some of that incredible spandex all professional bikers get to wear. I think my colors would have been blue and white to represent the Statesman.
But because I didn’t get to race anybody I am putting out the first-ever Mr. Un-Athletic challenge. My challenge is for anybody to race the Tour de Campus and beat my time. Trust me, that shouldn’t be too hard.
Once you’ve beaten my time, email me your time and I will email you a personally autographed certificate of completion of the Tour de Campus. While it might not get you on the U.S. team, it will be something you can hang on your mantle and admire for years to come.
Seth Hawkins is a junior majoring in public relations. He strongly urges students to not try any of the stunts he does as they caused him harm and will not be held liable for any injuries incurred if someone is stupid enough to try this. Questions and comments can be sent to him at sethhawkins@cc.usu.edu.