COLUMN: Lawyers are the spawn of the devil
I’ve discovered a word in the English language that brings fear, angst, detest and loathing to the hearts of the common person, and that word is “lawyer.” Oh, I get a little chill just writing that word down.
So, what do I have against lawyers? Well, besides living with one for a summer in San Francisco, not much, other than their lack of ability to distinguish between right and wrong. OK, not all lawyers are like this. Some, a precious few, still believe in truth, justice for the little guy and compassion for those who have actually been wronged, but these types of lawyers are harder to find than a “South Park” episode where Kenny does not die.
The lawyers I am referring to are those whose sole purpose is to line the cashmere pockets of their custom-made Italian suits by representing the type of filth who would make the front room of the fraternity after a weekend-long kegger look like the altar of the Sistine Chapel. These are people like drug dealers, rapists, the Menendez boys, pedophiles and, oh yeah, O.J. Simpson, Bill Gates, relatives of the Kennedys and the corporations of America that destroy all in their path like that power company in Erin Brockovich.
I’ve heard the story about the idiot college student who fell out of his dorm window while throwing water balloons at the kids with pocket protectors and sued the school. Or the lady who spilled coffee on her nether region and sued the place that sold her the coffee. You know, with cases like this actually winning, I wouldn’t be surprised if a Big Mac begins to run $6 just for bread and that meat-like substance they use, and that wouldn’t even include the special sauce.
There was a time when you had to watch out for shady characters in the town parks, but now those shady characters are lawyers waiting for some kid to fall off the monkey bars so they can convince parents that it’s the city’s fault their kid got hurt, and a law suit for a couple million is the only way to help the child deal with the anguish of a bump on the head and all the other kids laughing at them. And I’m sure if the parents said no, these lawyers would try to get the kids to sue the parents for not allowing them to exercise their right to sue the city.
I’ve heard some say though our legal system has problems, it is still the best in the world. I think the people who say this are planning on becoming lawyers. We have a legal system that, a few years back, disallowed 240 pounds of cocaine as evidence in a drug case because the driver was pulled over for not having a front license plate, and legally in the state this occurred, only a back plate was required. The case was thrown out!
I think the United States has given up on the once noble right called justice. The court system has become a high-stakes scrabble match, not between the plaintiff and defendant, but between the lawyers representing them. And the one who wins the game is not the one who tells the truth, but the one who is able to use the most triple-point words to keep the jury’s attention in the dictionary and off the case.
In today’s society, lawyers seem to care about justice the same way E.E. Cummings cared about punctuation. I think the biggest problem is lawyers don’t look at something as right or wrong anymore; when defending someone they know is guilty, they change their focus from the individual to the principal, right or law involved.
Lawyers need to become more accountable for their actions. I think justice will make a notably strong comeback if every time a lawyer gets someone off through a lawyer trick or what has been termed a “legality,” the offender gets to sleep on the lawyer’s couch while the lawyer takes charge and is responsible for the offender’s rehabilitation. If this happened, Justice’s blindfold would be removed – and replaced by some brand new Armani trifocals to be sure she does not miss a thing.
Rich Timothy is a senior majoring in technical writing. Comments may be e-mailed to rtimorthy1@hotmail.com