COLUMN: Lefties unite and get free BMW
When you have a column with a title such as mine (“Brilliant Solutions,” for those of you too lazy to look), you find it attracts the attention of many students in need of answers to the countless problems assaulting them daily.
I am more than willing to offer help where I can give it. In fact, I could be considered an authority on any subject in any college on campus, excluding, perhaps, Math, Engineering, Natural Resources, HASS, Education … wait a second … OK, excluding all of the colleges, but I am still an unmatched expert on Aggie Ice Cream.
With that in mind, I recently received a cry of help from a fellow student – whom we’ll call “Paul Schmidt” – who is desperate to have a number of issues resolved.
Unfortunately for him, Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s phone line was too busy, so he had to call me, number two on his list. But hey, I’ll take backup to Dr. Laura anytime.
While Paul presented numerous issues I’d like to address at this time, I’m afraid I simply do not have the space for all of them.
Therefore, I’ve decided to include any extraneous items in my new book, “Brilliant Solutions: Marty Reviews His Own Illustrious Life and Discusses Three Key Elements to Successful Yo-yo Maintenance.” This may surprise you, but so far I only have the title of the book finished. And no, it does not bother me that it appears to be nothing more than a marketing scam for shameless publicity and quick cash on my part.
Now, back to Paul’s predicament. Paul may seem like a normal person just to look at him. He enjoys a nice stroll in the park and teriyaki cow intestine just as much as the next guy.
Yet there is something inherently different about Paul that will plague him for the rest of his life unless we do something about it. Paul is left-handed. (Audible gasp from audience.)
A dire situation, you might assume. But allow me to reassure you that the name of my column is not “Brilliant Solutions” for nothing. Wait, on second thought, I actually looked up two words randomly in the dictionary when naming my column, so I guess it really is called “Brilliant Solutions” for nothing. Nonetheless, we have some options to help not just Paul but all of those other left-handers out there as well.
Some of you may wonder what the problem with being left-handed is. After doing some careful research, I will proceed to list the most prominent problems for any left-hander in our society:
• Desks blatantly made to accommodate right-handers. (There are left-handed desks for those willing to mark themselves with that “scarlet letter” and sit in an ostracized location.)
• Being forced to use right-handed scissors in elementary school depletes the quality of in-class projects and sets left-handers back years in their education.
• There is no such thing as a left-handed A&W Root Beer mug. This can be discovered through a painful process, with an undue amount of mocking involved.
• I don’t think they’ve even come up with left-handed BMWs yet.
• Of the fleet of Goodyear Blimps, not one has been made specifically serviceable to left-handed pilots.
This research has probably opened your eyes to a world of suffering you probably had never imagined was possible. So what is the solution? The easiest and best thing to do would be to cut off Paul’s left hand, forcing him into the more dominant right-handed society.
Unfortunately, Paul informed me that, for reasons yet unknown, his insurance does not cover the random amputation of one’s hand under his current policy.
In that case, what other option do we have? Simple. We should give all left-handers a free BMW, Goodyear Blimp, country in Eastern Europe, and a substantial financial stipend in order to keep them quiet. Some may suggest this is not a solution, that it’s only avoiding the problem, but I argue that material possessions are always a solution for anything.
By the way, this is probably a good time for me to admit that I, too, am a left-hander and will reluctantly accept the material offerings listed above for the better good of our society.
Marty is a senior studying English education. Comments can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu