COLUMN: Leftist agenda exposed: be afraid
I couldn’t have hoped for such a dramatic victory last week for the Democrats. Conservative Americans don’t seem too cozy with the idea of having a Democrat-dominated Congress. There’s been a lot said of what Democrats stand for, some of it true some of it not.
Some would have you think that the liberal agenda is about personal freedoms, tolerance, the general welfare and good for society. Liberalism would really be an easy sell if any of that were true. But as everyone knows, liberals are a conglomerate mass of closeted homosexual Satanists, secular extremists, vegan abortionists, Hollywood communists, anti-American feminists, fact-hugging ecologists, secular extremists and marijuana-crazed terrorists. So today I’ll reveal the Liberal agenda, because knowing how the world will end makes coping with the inevitable apocalypse easier.
Some have postulated that abortion is simply a red herring issue used by conservative politicians to continue to draw voters to the booths even when they have failed miserably everywhere else. Some will suggest that abortion is the social symptom of deeper problems that could be resolved with readily available contraceptives, comprehensive sex-ed in schools, welfare reforms and policies that supported life after – not just up to – birth.
Those are some seriously dangerous ideas. With contraception someone might actually have sex. Let me put your mind at ease. Now that Democrats control both houses, it’s only a matter of time before we have drive-through clinics on each street corner in America to accommodate your abortion. Why, you ask, do Liberals hate babies? Why, it’s not babies they hate, it’s your babies. As a conservative, there’s a good chance that your child would be too. Additionally, conservatives naturally produce more patriotic Americans, hard workers and Christians. And they consume more animals and kill more trees – all clear threats to the leftist agenda.
Similarly, someone told me how science suggests that homosexuality exists in nature, that it is not a chosen attraction and that the government has no right to regulate love or sexual behavior between two consenting adults to further their own agenda.
Well, if any of this is true, it is only out of chaotic convenience (sort of like evolution and the formation of the universe). The liberal agenda clearly favors homosexual recruitment because, once again, they hate conservative babies. Everyone knows that the perfect way to prevent Republican babies is through sustaining the gay lifestyle. The cult of fashion sense, interior decorating, Cher, effeminate hand gestures and gay sex all prevent more Christian births than Playboy and hand lotion could ever do alone. It’s just a contagious lifestyle; all of my straight friends tell me they all wish they were gay. It’s not that I have anything against heterosexuals, I have a friend who is straight, but then again, he is a Democrat.
But soon we’ll have to import heterosexual couples – which is exactly where immigration comes in. History books remind us that America is a nation of immigrants. Screw that. Everyone knows that Irish Catholics working low-wage jobs with their two-dozen children at one point in history is entirely different from Hispanic Catholics working low-wage jobs with their two-dozen children. Democrats want Republicans to exploit that cheap source of labor so that subsequent generations of disillusioned Hispanic Americans will vote Democrat.
Well, I’ve run out of room. Perhaps next week, I’ll reveal the Democrat’s plan for the criminal justice system, Iraq, God, the environment and the welfare system. Until then, put yourselves on orange alert for a red revolution. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Class dismissed.
Matthew Blackham is a junior majoring in sociology. Comments can be sent to matblackham@cc.usu.edu.