COLUMN: Let us take technology to a new exciting level
As a geek, I’m extremely into technology. I love how technology is simultaneously the most useful and yet pointless thing on the planet. If there’s a way to get an extra button on my waffle iron, even if it poisons my breakfast, I want it.
Even as into technology as I am, I’m pretty amazed when I sit back and think about what we have accomplished as a species. We’ve put men on the moon, we’ve cured many devastating diseases, and we’ve even managed to double the amount of stuffing in our Oreos.
As amazing as all this is there is still one area of technology we are way behind schedule on. Something the scientists have been promising us for years but, so far, haven’t kept their end of the bargain.
I’m sure a lot of you are assuming that I mean flying cars. Well that just goes to show what happens when you assume stuff (you end up being dumb). We may have been promised flying cars, but we don’t really want them. Flying cars would still get booted, need a lot more gas and would make it entirely too easy to spit on the elderly.
The technology those lazy inventors have been holding out on us that I’m concerned about is cyborgs. For those of you who don’t know who all the base are belong to, cyborgs are the ultimate geek fantasy. They exist where man and machine fuse to become and single living entity beyond the capability of either one alone.
Now I know that at least three of you out there are thinking that I’m a moron because we already have cyborgs. Yes, we do have people who use pacemakers, hearing aids and other devices as part of their own body. And, I suppose if you are a dingbat you might consider that a cyborg. If it ain’t Robocop, I don’t want to hear about it.
I’m not sure what the hold up is. I can only assume it’s got something to do with most the cool cyborgs in the movies end up going crazy and start killing people. This is a risk I am willing to take, but I’m sure some hippies out there are going to let the death of a few innocents stand in the way of progress and coolness.
The problem stems from the fact that in the movies the cyborgs are highly tuned fighting machines. When they go crazy they lash out with what’s most readily available to them.
Let’s say you’re a cyborg creating mad scientist. Some guy comes to you with a severed hand; rather than give them a high-powered death ray, replace it with a hot-glue gun. That way if he does go crazy the worst damage he could do is glue some felt together and make some really scary sock puppets.
I am in favor of this technology because I desperately want to be a cyborg. I’m sick and tired of have to go to my technology. I want it to be a part of me. I’m always forgetting to staple my assignments together so I want a stapler in my left elbow.
I’d also like a cybernetic nose that I could turn off in certain circumstances.
The last bit of cyborgedry that I definitely want is a credit card swiper. I’m sick of people who owe me money telling me they don’t have any cash and then pulling and their credit card and asking if I take plastic. Once I have one of those machines installed on my person, I’ll snatch that card from their hand and I’ll get my money back.
I’m just not sure where to put that one. I mean, there’s the obvious place but, that’s a little gross.
While you’re thinking about that one, geek on.
Steve Shinney is a junior in computer science who is currently devising plans to surgically attach a drinking straw to his mouth. Comments can be sent to steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.