COLUMN: Let’s catch some pants on fire
Figure skating? Yawn. Bobsled? Snore. Skiing? ZZZZZ.
Nothing gives a person warm fuzzies like watching the Olympic opening ceremonies where almost all of the countries in the world are all brought together in peace and harmony. Only problem is, by the time you get to Zimbabwe (they come last alphabetically), you are asleep.
However, what if a Zimbabwe sprinter was released from the tunnel 20 seconds after the Zaire team (who comes immediately before Zimbabwe in the alphabet) had been introduced and chased them as they took their lap around Rice Stadium waving at everybody.
So what, you may ask, would happen if the Zimbabwe sprinter actually caught anyone on Zaire’s Olympic team?
They would be burned.
That’s right, the Zimbabwe sprinter is carrying the Olympic torch.
That way, we’d see just how “athletic” these people are. They would be running around that track faster than a fat lady who was just called out of the audience on The Price is Right.
You could start with Argentina chasing after Afghanistan and take the chase all the way down to Zimbabwe. This would not only speed things up, but it would be extremely entertaining.
However, the “Torch Chase” is only idea No. 1 on how to spice up some of the Olympic events which need more flavor. Here are some others.
Figure Skating: To spice up the figure skating events I would add a little risk to this otherwise boring sport. What if you randomly placed a patch of thin ice somewhere on the rink? The skaters would not only have to worry about landing their jumps, but would also know that at any time they could fall into freezing water. As with all of my suggested events, we wouldn’t let them die, just give them a little fright.
Speed Skating: Give the skaters hockey sticks so they could get a little rough with their opponents.
Bobsled and Luge: Send the bobsled down the run five seconds after the luge guy takes off. Similar to the torch chase, the purpose is to speed an athlete up with the fear of being killed or injured as the motivation.
Slalom: Wouldn’t it be great if they turned the slalom into a game of chicken? You could have two slalom courses that finish at the same point and run toward each other. At the end, the skiers would both come at each other full speed, and the first one to jump out of the way is disqualified. If they collide full speed, then both are awarded gold medals.
Ice Hockey: No changes necessary.
These were the one’s I thought of. I’d welcome anyone else’s suggestions. Let’s make this an Olympics that its participants will remember. So when Utah welcomes the world with the opening ceremonies, let’s put this love, peace and harmony act behind us and instead, put that torch to a purpose and catch somebody’s pants on fire.
After that, there will be no yawning, snoring or sleeping, because the real Games will be just beginning.
Clark Jessop is a
sophomore majoring
in broadcast journalism.
He can be reached at
clarkjessop@cc.usu.edu