COLUMN: Logan’s own for new TV season
It’s that time of year when we must stop and ask ourselves the really important questions in life. “Who will they kill off this season on ‘ER?'” “Will Rachel pick Ross or Joey?” “Do we really care who wins the next Survivor?” And “How many of this fall’s new shows won’t even make it to Christmas?”
The answer to the last question (which is most of them, by the way) is the only one we can really come up with. So to help the networks fill the gaps that will soon be left by these shows, I have compiled a list of ideas for replacements based either on my life or life in Logan in general. I have arranged them by genre to make it easier to pick out the particular kind of show needed to fill the looming gaps in next spring’s TV lineup.
Sitcom
Actually I have three ideas for a sitcom, and each is based on tried and true formats.
1) “LTD” – a show about bus drivers and their insanely short boss who assigns them their routes. It would be set in the bus depot and the cast would feature one crazy character, one naive driver from Springville, UT and only one female lead character. Of course, we would have to allow room for one other female character (the boss’s girlfriend) who would eventually leave the show for sitcom No. 2.
2) “Good Morning Ibis” – a sitcom that would center around the downtown coffee shop focusing in on the people who work there and their regular customers. There would be a romantic conflict between the manager and his waitress and a UPS driver who spends most of his time hanging out at the café. And maybe we could get Michael Ballam to play an upper-class customer who has to learn to interact with the normal-class people who frequent the café.
3) “Residents” – this would follow an apartment of guys and an apartment of girls who live in Merrill Hall and the crazy situations they get into while interacting with each other. For those group scenes in a public place we could lug a couple of couches into The Junction.
Medical Drama
Since the entertainment magnates think we enjoy medical shows so much (two new ones are being added this fall) we have to have our own version. “SHC” (it has to be an acronym) will follow the nurses at the Student Health Center. Episodes will include injured athletes, students hit by objects dropped off the Eccles Business Building and a food poisoning scare from the vendors at the stadium.
Cop Show
Our version of the reality cop show would have to be “The Blotter.” We’ll get cameras to follow around the campus policemen who respond to the calls that make it into the blotter. Just imagine all your favorite blotter moments caught forever on film.
Soap opera
There are two directions we can take with the soap opera. The one focused on my life would have to be called “All My Friends.” It would detail the ups and downs of my relationships with my friends – the many problems they find themselves in and the constant quarrels among them. (There’s plenty of real-life material here folks.)
The other soap would be called “As the Pages Turn,” and would follow the constant back stabbing between students as they fight for good grades. We could even throw in a few malicious instructors, a lot of fake identities, evil twins and secret love babies. It would be a hit.
Reality TV show
The perfect Utah State University reality show would be “Make the Grade.” We would force 24 people to take the same class. They would compete for grades on homework and tests, and at the end of the episode the person with the lowest grade would get evicted from the classroom. Maybe we could even get Gabe Kaplan or Jeri Ryan to host it.
TLC
How about a show for The Learning Channel (TLC)? We could have two sets of roommates swap for 48 hours and if they like where they are, they can stay. We would call it “Trading Roommates.”
Of course, another thing TLC specializes in is its story shows. How about “A Sleep-deprived Story?”
Talk show
USU could even provide its own talk show (think Jerry Springer meets the Valley Channel). Episodes could feature themes like “I ate my roommate’s chocolate and didn’t replace it,” “I sold an outdated textbook to an unsuspecting freshman” or “I’m seeing my roommate’s girlfriend behind his back.” We could call it “On the A.”
Anime cartoon
You know we can’t leave out the cartoon network, and what we need is an addition to “Toonami.” We could call it “GradstudentBookX.” It would focus on students with mystical books that give them the power to inflate or shatter grades. The more books they acquired the more powerful they would become, and the more undergrads they vanquished the more fame they were accorded. Of course, it would have to have out-of-sync vocals and distorted figures to be true anime.
You never know, some of these shows could hold their own against “Eight Rules For Dating My Daughter” or “Presidio Med.” After all, who remembers “Inside Schwartz” or “That ’80s Show.” The majority of each TV season’s shows never make it. They might as well give some of mine a try.
Jared Sterzer is a senior majoring in business information systems. Comments can be sent to jwsterz@cc.usu.edu