COLUMN: Long-named Schwartzman fights the name bullies
Greetings, everyone, my name is Steve.
The previous sentence was originally plump full of salutations, pleasantries and several warm and welcoming facts about me. This would have been the ideal way to start out my year of “humor-columndom,” but, truth be told, I’ve been at this for quite a while, and in that time I have learned something about my readers .
They rarely get passed reading my name.
No, it’s true.
Now, I am of the belief this has nothing to do with my writing style, dry wit or affinity for referencing televisions shows featuring real life characters and a puppet spin-off character (i.e. “My Cousin Skeeter.”) I am confident in this because I am very much aware, and dutifully embrace, that my last name, among other things, is egregiously, painstakingly long.
Go ahead, take another look.
Sound it out with me: SHOO-WARTS-MIN.
Yes, I know, it is 11 letters of unadulterated confusion, with oddly-places Cs and Zs to boot.
And in case you Smiths and Johnsons have a rough time with my namesake, that’s nothing. According to Guinness the longest recorded last name was 590 characters long. In fact, the man in question later legally shortened his name to “Wolfe+585” so it would fit on legal documents, and yet my miniscule murky wade into the viscous pronunciation haven is at times too much for you.
I speak for fellow long-namers everywhere when I say it really doesn’t need to be so difficult so long as you follow a few guidelines for dealing with friends with rather lengthy last names.
First and foremost, stop asking us where our name is from. Whether you ask me if my name is German, Polish, Klingon or Tracy Morgan I am going to say yes, because honestly I know about as much about the root of my name as you do. I was never asked to take an exam on the history of my identity’s labeling; I was just born with the thing. Besides, outside of a few guttural sounds, how can that possibly help you pronounce it anyway?
Next, don’t feel like you have to get our name right if you honestly can’t. Elementary teachers had this philosophy covered pat. If there were two Georges in the classroom one was George P. and the other George S. No need to trifle with names, initials did the job just fine.
Look, we get it. Last names are a lot like a series of locks intended to keep you from getting into a safe. Each letter is an added obstacle from prize. So, in the meantime, we’ll give you the first initial as a master key which unlocks each stronghold at once and you will not need to worry about pronouncing each and every dagum letter unless you are plaintiff of a court case or announcers on “The Price is Right.”
Lastly, and most begrudgingly, you know we have first names, right? It is kind of the trump card to most every American name that can afford going without apostrophes (I’m looking at you, Hawaii). If there is more than one person with a given name in a room there has to be some supplemental way to differentiate the two.
This is why I stand by my long-standing theory that long names are the heavily-guarded inspiration for nicknames. Sure, both of you are Spencer, but only one of you needs to be Squeaky. You may hate it, but that’s what you get for having a long name and wearing brand new sneakers into gym glass without breaking them in outside.
For those with long names and nervous for the doubters and name-bullies the world over, you’re not alone. In fact, embrace the long name that you are. Remember that long names lead to long lives – probably – and know that your namesake gives you an added personality to you an Anderson or Davis will only receive form an oddly placed birthmark.
Many long namers went on to do great things. President Eisenhower led our country; Mike Krzyzewski won numerous basketball titles. Heck, Arnold Schwarzenegger was governor of California for a while (and yes, I note you now realizing the similarities of my name to his. No, you aren’t the first. Trust me; we’ve all seen “Kindergarten Cop,” so please stop before you hurt yourself.)
As for me, I plan to fully embrace my well-extruded, 11-letter family honor and becoming something that turns that very name into a brand and icon for the future to remember forever.
Or, if nothing else, I can always change my name to “Steve+11.” That should take less time.
– steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu