COLUMN: Looking for a grade bailout
“Dear Congress,
I am a student at Utah State University about to graduate and head out into the world. Somehow, I erroneously believed you would take good care of the country and promote measures to keep the economy strong. Because I’m a hard worker, I appreciate the opportunity to enter a workforce devoid of any jobs. It’s OK, though, because I’m glad I’ll be able to fix all the problems you have created. Social security, education, national security, failed economy, energy complications, national debt … whew, you guys left no stone unturned.
Come on, $700 billion of debt is the new $2 million, which is roughly the amount of money I’ll need to survive one year under Bernanke’s wild inflation schemes. But don’t worry; somehow I’ll find a job and work my butt off to finance all your pension packages and social security benefits.
I guess what I’m really trying to say here is, thanks for screwing my generation over. But, as a member of generation ‘Give me it and give me it now,’ I am glad to see you’ve finally come over to our way of thinking. It’s reassuring to know that no matter how bad I may fail in life, you’ve done it first and will be there to bail me out. After all, I’m too big to fail.
Sincerely,
Seth
P.S. Since you’re handing money out left and right, do you mind sending me another stimulus check. Rent is due soon. Thanks.”
Though I’ll likely never send that letter– what? I don’t want G-Dub reading my mail– the recent financial crisis and government bailouts got me to thinking. What if USU operated like the United States government?
After all, the university is in many ways a microcosm of the larger social, vocational and political structure of the country. What would it be like? I think I have a pretty good idea.
For starters, presidential elections would begin way earlier than anybody cares about and be a relentless spectacle of stupidity. Candidates would shout about change and promise everything from free textbooks for everyone, tuition cuts for students making less than $6 an hour and tax hikes for anybody making more than $12 an hour (which if you can do in Cache Valley, kudos to you), chocolate milk in every drinking fountain and larger bubbles on scantrons.
Of course, one candidate would be the designated “savior of USU” that The Statesman and Aggie TV would talk about nonstop. Being an unlikely long shot coming from the rough ghettos of Provo, this newcomer to the Logan scene would revolutionize the system and speak of a great vision he has of a world where everything has a Y printed on it and daily devotionals will be a regular part of life. Gone will be the days where you will have to suffer being an Aggie because when he changes USU, you will cheer for the Quest.
On the other hand, you’ll have a seven-year senior candidate who’s a grizzled veteran of Cache Valley winters, but still a maverick– mostly because he frequents Maverik convenience stores for frozen yogurt.
This older candidate will endorse canceling football and maintaining the status quo. He will parrot what the current president tells him and give constant thumbs-up of encouragement to his fans. After losing the battle of who can give out the most candy bars on the Quad, he will realize he needs some help, so he’ll enlist the aid of a beautiful freshman girl to be his running mate.
Unfortunately, in the midst of all this election coverage, the state will decide to cut $6.5 million from the university budget (hmm, that sounds vaguely familiar), causing an unprecedented crisis.
Students who have fallen behind in classes will take this crisis as a perfect cue to claim that because of the tightening economic problems, their grades have slipped and they can’t possibly get out of this mess. Never mind the fact that they were irresponsible and stayed up to 3 a.m. each night playing World of Warcraft and eating Doritos.
These students will beg the administration for a bailout, claiming they are just too big and important to the student body to fail.
The hard-working students will be furious and demand the administration stay out of all this and let the slacker students fail. But it won’t matter, the administration won’t listen to them. The administration will grant the bailout, which will cause the academic currency of good grades to fail. To counteract the problems, the administration will introduce massive grade inflation, only making the situation worse for everyone.
Fortunately, the administration will guarantee the students currently in school won’t be harmed by the grade inflation. Instead, future generations of students will have to deal with the problem and find a way to get out of this grade debt. After all, it will be better this way.
Somehow, the elections will manage to pull through all this mess and to nobody’s surprise, the media’s hand-picked candidate will be elected to cheers from the student body.
Once he settles into office, he’ll realize the state budget cuts and grade bailout have enormous consequences and the only way he’ll be able to fix everything is to raise tuition for everyone. Oh, and he’ll have to cut the chocolately drinking fountains. Sorry.
If any of this sounds preposterous or terrifyingly familiar, it should. If you step away from CNN and FOX long enough to look at the current national situation, you’ll realize there really isn’t much difference.
Fortunately, USU isn’t the U.S. government and no student body president will ever have the power to effect tuition increases. Maybe the government should take a lesson from that.
So, until I’m forced into the real world to deal with this disaster, I’m sure glad to be an Aggie.
Seth Hawkins is a senior majoring in public relations who hopes the government will grant his request for a bailout from his taxes because he’s too important to pay them. Questions and comments can be sent to him at seth.h@aggiemail.usu.edu.