COLUMN: Lying will get you nowhere, except Wisconsin
Lying will get you nowhere, except Wisconsin
Two very similar jelly doughnuts are sitting next to my keyboard. I do not know the nature of their filling, but I can assume that … wait, I don’t want to assume anything because I’ve heard what that makes, so I’m going to just taste them real quick. Hang on a sec. Hmmm, raspberry and – oh, wow another raspberry! Now that the mystery is solved, let’s get on with the show.
I’ve decided that sometime before theeeeeeeeeeee, sorry, just trying to get some icing off the “e” and dang it, wwwwwwwwwww. There we go, sorry about the delay. Anyway, I’ve decided that at some point before the end of time I want to visit Burlington, Wis. Hopefully I can go this year, because I’ve never been endowed with ESP, and I have no idea when the world will vaporize into mere particles of our imagination.
Some of my astute readers may have discovered that although I “never” exaggerate, I do like to tell stories, and they’re “always” true events that have happened to me. As a storyteller, I want to pilgrimage to Wisconsin to see the birthplace of the Burlington Liars’ Club, where one day I hope to become a member.
Founded in 1930 by Mannel Hahn and Otis Hulett, this prestigious club has become the worldwide center for jocular fiction and amazing folk stories of unbelievable proportion. Not functioning as an organization to maim or belittle, the Liars’ Club is just a way for people to outdo each other by telling wacky tall tales and anecdotes of hilarity. Yup, it’s just like old scoutmasters sitting around the campfire – well, without the occasional flatulent to solidify a point. For better understanding, maybe I had better cite some examples of past winners to the annual competition.
Anthony Delano, an old sea captain, was the first winner by relating an experience when he once saw a whale that was three miles long. He furnished proof by saying that the front of his ship aligned with the whale’s tail early in the morning. After traveling at a constant speed of three knots an hour for an hour, the bow of the ship caught up with the whale’s head. During this hour, the ship traveled three miles to measure the whale, and so the whale was therefore deemed to be three nautical miles long.
Then there was the story of Sandi Weld of Sorrento, Fla. She said, “When I moved to Iron Mountain, Mich., I brought my pet sheep. He grazed on the mineral rich grass. When it came time to shear it in the spring, I ended up with nine pounds of steel wool.”
My mom wouldn’t like this next lie, but I do. In 1932 Phil McCarty told how his cat lost a front leg. Since the cat had been a master mouse catcher, out of gratitude, Phil fashioned an old-style peg to the stump. Phil was really surprised that when the cat got accustomed to the new limb, its mouse catching ability increased. Apparently instead of using its claws, his kitty developed a new technique of hiding in the shadows and smacking the mice with its peg leg, using it as club.
Recently, Gordon Zwicky earned top honors in the Burlington Liars’ Club contest by beating 299 other entries from 31 states and Canada with an outrageous tale. He claimed that after winning the lottery, he and his wife, Dorothy, decided to drive to Florida. Their neighbor advised them to pay careful attention to the road signs. Thirty miles from home they saw a sign reading “Clean Restrooms Ahead.” Two months later they arrived in Florida, having supposedly cleaned 450 restrooms using 267 rolls of paper towels, three boxes of bowl cleaner, and 86 bottles of Windex. When they arrived, the Zwicky’s were so tired that they immediately left for home.
One of the best I’ve read is so simple and magnificent. Bruno Ceresa of Langeloth, Pa., said his grandfather had a clock so old no one knew how long it had been in service. He guessed it was pretty old, because there was a hole through the back of the case where the shadow of the swinging pendulum had worn through.
To enter the annual competition all you have to do is send $1 and a good lie to:
Burlington Liars’ Club
179 Beth Court
Burlington, WI 53105
I bet I can create a good enough story to win the title of World’s Best Liar for 2003. I suppose it could be as simple as including the words “governor” and “Schwarzenegger” in one sentence. Regardless, in case I have some trouble developing that perfect tale, I’ll just consult Blaine and John, because they’re great liars, too. But for now, I have two raspberry doughnuts to finish.
Garrett Wheeler is a graduate student studying electrical engineering. Story ideas or applicable hogwash can be sent to him at wheel@cc.usu.edu.