COLUMN: Making the man’s holiday a little more manly
It’s the most testosterone-filled time of the year.
While I don’t think I’ll catch *NSYNC doing a remake of that song anytime soon, I can still be happy there is just over a week until Man’s Day.
Some call it Thanksgiving, others call it Turkey Day, but I call it Man’s Day. This is the one day of the year where a man can be a man. Its history is rich.
Founded by the Benevolent Order of Chest Hair – the same organization that founded the Man Code and the Man Card – in 10,124 B.C., Man’s Day was a day of celebration of all things male. These early men understood that many millennia in the future, women would overrun every other holiday, making all hopes for a manly civilization impossible.
The ancient elders of BOCH squatted around the campfire, scratching, burping and grunting ideas of how Man’s Day should be carried out. After a lot of chest beating and a few drinking songs, strangely to the tune of “Oh My Darling, Clementine,” the elders of BOCH scribbled down the rules of Man’s Day on the walls of the cave.
Since men are simple creatures, Man’s Day had to follow the same pattern. The essential characteristics then are the same today.
1. A turkey bowl is required. This must take the form of a football game. Soccer, basketball, hockey and especially golf are not permitted. Violation of this rule will bring about an immediate revocation of the Man Card and suspension from BOCH.
2. At least one male from each team must be injured during the turkey bowl for being out of shape. This rule was more of a foreseeable result than an actual requirement.
3. After the turkey bowl, men must spend the remainder of the day watching others play football.
4. The Lions must always play on Man’s Day and must always lose. Tough luck Detroit.
5. A giant feast to manliness must be presented on Man’s Day. Essential foods include turkey, potatoes, stuffing and enough desserts to make anyone need insulin.
These cave-drawn rules were grossly misinterpreted by researchers who thought they had some sort of spiritual significance. Nope, just the true way to celebrate Man’s Day.
Unfortunately, the pilgrims had to come along and change Man’s Day by adding pie, demanding that men clean up the mess and changing the name to Thanksgiving. Lame.
The feminist movement also royally screwed this holiday up by adding yet another woman’s holiday the day after Thanksgiving, or the day from hell as I like to call it. Geez, you already have Valentine’s Day, Christmas, anniversaries, Arbor Day, Labor Day (don’t think I don’t know this one is all about babies) and Mother’s Day. Why can’t you ladies just leave one day of the year to us men?
Because of this epidemic of taking over Man’s Day, I am calling for all members of BOCH to revive Man’s Day this year. Soon, 2008 will no longer be known as the year Barack Obama won the presidency, but as the year that men came together with a single voice that sounded strangely like burping the alphabet.
Men, this holiday is ours, let’s celebrate it in true male fashion.
Instead of buying a turkey at the store, we need to bring back the thrill of the hunt. Turkey farmers will release the turkeys into the wild and it’s off to the races. Men in orange vests will be running around everywhere with rifles and beer, shooting at anything that resembles a turkey, which will effectively finish off Michael Moore.
Dick Cheney will take this as his cue to start shooting anybody he can, and hey, it’s OK, he’s just a bad aim.
This turkey hunt will also raise a whole new strain of rednecks, which is fine, but there is still no way NASCAR will be allowed on Man’s Day.
Once the turkey is caught and gutted, men will be responsible for cooking the turkey in a more manly way than an oven. Bring in the blow torch. Crank that sucker up and apply the flames. Sure, the end product might be a charred black more than a golden brown, but the experience and singed eyebrows are well worth the experience.
If you find the torch isn’t working fast enough, a healthy dose of napalm for 10 minutes ought to do the trick.
The feast will be eaten with only knives. Who needs a fork and spoon? I’m sure those were creations of the French anyway. Sure, knives are more dangerous and the ER will be full that day, but it will be a good male bonding experience.
“So, how’d you get hurt?”
“Oh, I sliced my face off when I tried to put a bit of turkey in my mouth and saw the Lions score a touchdown at the same time. You?
“I cut off my left pinky toe.”
“How’d you do that? Never mind, I don’t want to know.”
As far as football watching goes, television producers should move football games to every channel, including WE, Oxygen and Lifetime, making sure only manly programming can be found. The ladies can still get their tear-jerking moments by watching boxing on ESPN Classic.
Other activities could include listening to speed metal, lumberjacking (which will only cause more hospital visits), muscle car trivia and a game I like to call “keep the the turkey leg away from the pansy poetry fan.” Sorry cousin Harold, that means you and your emo friends aren’t getting any turkey this year.
Above all, men will not clean the dishes after the day is through. Just throw them away, because your wives will want to buy new stuff the next day anyway. Or better yet, use them as porcelain pigeons. Pull.
Seth Hawkins is a senior majoring in public relations. He hopes all men have a happy Man’s Day and don’t get sucked into shopping the next day. Comments can be sent to him at seth.h@aggiemail.usu.edu.