COLUMN: Marriage is just one big corporate America conspiracy
I can’t help but notice the latest fad running rabid through this campus, and so close to finals. It is the epidemic of marriage. All those couples that have been dating for – let’s see, I think the average for this state is around three to four months – have come to the conclusion that you know this other person well enough to commit the rest of your life to them. Or in short, you want to have sex so bad and marriage is the only way a majority of the youngsters in this state will let themselves do that. I think it’s because of those one things … those … where you believe in … oh yeah, morals. Whew, I almost forgot that word.
Now, I don’t care that you people are waiting for marriage to have sex. Good for you. Well done in sticking to your convictions, but your major emphasis for marriage should not be penetration-based.
The main problem I have with marriage is that it is truly one of the last great mass conspiracies. Think about it. There are many, many people/corporations in on this one. First off, what’s the one thing you need to get for this whole fiasco to begin? That’s right. You need a ring, and not just any ring, a rare one to prove your love. And the diamond industry has done an excellent job in convincing the masses that the more you love someone, the bigger the rock you need to get to demonstrate just that.
Then comes the need for pictures and invitations. A reception will be necessary so everyone you know can shake your hand and say “Congratulations,” by which they actually mean “Good luck.” All the while, you just keep smiling because you know you’re getting a gift from that person, and most importantly you’ll be having sex that night.
Throughout this entire affair, corporate America is eating it up and laughing to the bank, because another sap just took the plunge and they’re making a profit. The stores the gifts are purchased from, the florists, Hallmark, and in some cases even churches are in on it. From the renting of a building to the paying of clergy to perform the sentencing, all these can be factors to consider.
Then there’s the state. Yes, they capitalize on marriage, too. It’s too much of a moneymaking scheme, especially in this state. Marriage probably pays for at least half of the new roads in Utah. In fact, it should be renamed. Instead of the Beehive State, it should be called the Wedding State.
Also, before you can pledge your continually shortening life to this other person, you still have to go to the doctors to get tests. Yes, even the medical industry is in on it. The physicals and blood tests are just another aspect where people are capitalizing and conspiring toward marriage. Of course, this aspect seems like a good idea for some people; we really don’t want any more humans turning out like the Royal Family.
Once you finally get through the initial marriage vows and the freshly-fallen-in-love goggles are removed (six months to a year later), and the sex wears off, you start thinking, “Did I really say yes to this person, until death or for eternity? My goodness, what have I done?”
Then come the councilors, therapists, shrinks, couple management classes and any other terminology to tag on a $90 an hour price tag, where the one claiming to help you practices the professional standing of not taking sides and not helping, so you can come back next week and do it all over again. The problem is communication. People need to learn to talk to each other without a referee who is being paid way too much sitting there saying “What I hear you saying is …,” after everything you say.
Now, if you’re a believer in this marriage issue, good luck, have fun, and remember that, on the average, only one out of every two of you getting married will find lasting commitment. But if you must, you must. Just, please, be very, very careful. This conspiracy is huge, and everyone is in on it.
Rich Timothy is a senior majoring in technical writing. Comments may be e-mailed to rtimothy1@hotmail