COLUMN: Melting pot soup
It is a tribute to the chunky mix of gruel which boils over from our melting pot nation that in times of disaster all manner of miscreants and saints manifest themselves like uninvited guests at a costume party.
For every yin there is a yang and for every mayor Giuliani there is a semi-reverend Falwell. For every brave leader who rises to the occasion there is another who flushes to the depths of inflammatory sound bites. Falwell, the man who was able to connect Satan with the Teletubbies, is connecting gay, lesbians and feminists with the terrorist attacks. Even the most fundamentalists have to be saying “huh?”
Top presidential vote getter, but runner-up to the actual office has been a sporting a new beard which makes him look like Commander Riker from Start Trek the Next Generation and Orinn Hatch is writing songs of memorial. Though it is inspirational anyone would be moved to song, I was somewhat shocked Hatch already had six CDs on the shelves. Surprisingly, none of them are for sale on Amazon.com or even eBay, but they are all available with full endorsement from esteemed rock critic Colin Powell at www.hatchmusic.com. You can see Senator Hatch there with influential recording artists Barry Manilow and Donnie Osmond. I’m sure Eric Clapton just happened to be out of town for the photo shoot. Yeah and if I were senator I would have my own comedy club.
Speaking of mediocre music and the government, Clear Channel – the people who brought you more Back Street Boys and Brittany Spears than you can and should shake a stick at – posted a list of inappropriate songs to play during the crisis. The list included such peace mongering songs as Peter Paul and Mary’s “Blowin‚ in the Wind” and Don McLean’s‚ war inciting “American Pie.” Meanwhile, all the Die Hard movies are still available at video stores.
A lot of people sent me an e-mail quoting a famous Canadian columnist praising the United States after the attack. The only problem is the columnist actually died in 1982 and the column referred to the Vietnam War. In truth, Canada has still not forgiven the United States for placing National Hockey League franchises in Florida and for mixing Canadian bacon and pineapple on pizzas.
I have since received gigabytes of lewd and hateful depictions of Osama bin Laden and anyone with a beard and a turban proving Internet access actually should be more monitored by the CIA, but how are they going to be able to tell our wackos from their wackos?
People are still treading lightly, but it is a tribute to our resilience we can still laugh. And turn to other news. Michael Jordan is making a comeback and Jesse Helms might retire. There is some warped symmetry to this.
Washington, D.C. couldn’t help but be a better place. In local politics I had to remind someone just because I looked like a liberal I was not going to vote the most liberal person on the ballot or festoon my yard with a campaign sign. How can we be diverse if we all vote the same way? It is a free society which makes for both diversity and satire.