Column: Mr. Un-Athletic; Rugby from rum to scrum
I’m convinced rugby was invented by pirates. As near as I can tell, the crucial elements of rugby – rum, cursing, brutal beatings and hookers – are essentially the same as the pirates’ code. I’ll confess: I got my research on the pirates’ code from watching “Pirates of the Caribbean,” but I’m pretty sure it’s accurate.
Rugby is a tremendously confusing game. Pirates of old must have invented the game while they were drunk at some port. That would explain why the game is so perplexing. The game was designed to keep their skills high during their off-season.
If pirates didn’t keep up their beating and drinking while docked at some port, how on earth could they be effective when they got back to sea? Rugby solved all their problems.
Pirates are gone today, but the sport still remains with growing popularity in many parts of the world. This makes sense as pirates explored much of the known world and brought their sport with them. Being somewhat of a fan of pirates – if you couldn’t already tell – I knew I needed to learn how to play this game.
A disclaimer: There are some sports that are so confusing that no matter how hard someone tries to explain, you just stand there scratching your head. Rugby is one of these sports.
When I stepped onto the rugby field last Tuesday, I felt confident I would be able to grasp the sport quickly and have a good time playing with the guys. My confidence was replaced with abject fear the second I saw the first rugby player – he looked like Kronk from “Emporer’s New Groove.” No, come to think of it, he looked more like a Mack truck. I had no idea rugby players were that big.
As the team gathered around, I started to worry for the safety of my life. I’m not a small guy, but then again, I’m not exactly in pristine physical or muscular condition.
I kept having visions of myself being checked into the hospital a few hours later – unconscious, with a snapped spine and several broken bones. Walter Cespedes, the head coach of the rugby team, snapped me out of my reverie and had me walk with him as he monitored the team’s practice.
For some reason, I felt safer this way. As long as I wasn’t in the middle of that giant mass of men pushing each other, I was happy. I masked my fear by asking Coach Cespedes constant questions about how the game was played.
It’s a good thing I did, too, because it took almost two hours of explaining and demonstrations by the team before I had any coherent idea of how the game worked.
After demonstrating numerous scrums, coach told me it was my turn to be a hooker. I felt a bit awkward and thought to myself, “Whoa, dude! I’m not into that kind of business.” He pushed me into the front of the scrum and explained that a hooker is a position in rugby.
I felt a little better about this until he had me wrap my arms around two massive guys and grab their shirts. It was awkward again.
But at least it wasn’t as awkward for me as it must have been for the two guys I was holding onto. The two locks behind them reached between their legs and grabbed the shirts of the guys I was holding onto in what could best be described as a “crotch-hold.” Suddenly, being a hooker was much more attractive.
Next thing I knew, the whole scrum squatted low. At the sound of “Go!” from the player called a scrum half, we all pressed forward and smashed into the scrum machine. The scrum machine is like the machine linebackers in football use to practice on. As my head was sandwiched between two pads and the guys behind me started pushing, I was sure I was going to die.
I was only wearing my typical basketball shoes and my feet slid like crazy. I offered up a silent prayer to please not let me slip and be squashed by men twice my size.
I’m grateful I didn’t do my research on rugby first, because I later learned the hooker is the most dangerous position in the scrum. If the hooker slips, he runs a great risk of snapping his spine, being trampled by his teammates, or even dying. That’s a comforting thought.
After running two successful scrums without slipping, I respectfully backed out. I was sure I’d pushed my athletic luck thus far by surviving the two scrums, and a third time definitely would not be the charm.
As I walked away from the scrum, I noticed I was breathing heavily. The scrum doesn’t look too physically strenuous, but I was surprised to learn it requires a great amount of energy.
I’m glad I stopped participating when I did, because the next thing I knew, they were tackling and pushing each other in formations called mauls and rucks. I love how creative rugby is with names.
From what I’ve learned about rugby, I realize if I am ever going to cut it in rugby I will have to do what all good rugby players do: drink. I can’t hold Coke very well, so I can only imagine what alcohol would do to me. So, maybe rugby’s not my sport. But if you like tackling, screaming and awkward situations, rugby is right up your alley.
Seth Hawkins is a sophomore majoring in public relations. Comments or sympathy cards can be sent to sethhawkins@cc.usu.edu