Column: Mr. Un-Athletic; Yoga last resort for un-athletic
Yoga sounds like yogurt but sure doesn’t taste like it. I wish somebody had told me yoga wasn’t part of the five food groups before I tried it. Being sadly misinformed, I fully expected a delectable dairy treat. Instead I was greeted with something that resembled Mr. Miyagi meets Yoda.
For years, I’ve heard many women express their love for yoga. I heard claims it was so relaxing but very demanding on physical strength and gave quite the workout. Perhaps the biggest draw to me was the stress-reducing ability of yoga. Being demoralized by my recent athletic attempts, I was secretly hoping yoga would be the thing for me.
Knowing no other way to do yoga, I borrowed a DVD called “Louise Solomon’s Yoga and Pilates Total Body Toner.” I figured if I was going to learn yoga, I was going to learn from the best in the world. Solomon was the host of the show and directed all the exercises.
This instructional video is based on a system developed by Solomon called “yogalates.” It is a combination of the best elements of yoga and pilates, which means a lot of bending in awkward positions, breathing deeply and strengthening core muscle areas.
As best as I can tell, yogalates is a cross between karate moves and a slow-motion seizure. I think it must have been born out of the hippie movement. It gets one in touch with their inner chi and helps them realize the world is a great place. No wait, that’s alcohol. My bad.
The DVD cover gave the following guarantee, “Lose weight and look great in 28 days.” Are you kidding me? I can’t wait 28 days to get fit and look great! I’m looking for more of a five-day plan. My doctor suggested an instant gratification exercise plan for me. That’s why I’m also on a “see-food” diet – see food, and eat it.
Despite the length of the exercise time required, I felt confident that I could handle yoga. As the film started, there was a warning to not push yourself too hard and listen to your body. I started to get a bit nervous. But come on, how hard could yogalates possibly be that I would actually be in danger of straining my body? Boy, was I in for an unpleasant surprise.
I started with workout number two, which focused on strengthening the upper body. Solomon informed me that I needed a yoga pad to start the exercises. Since I didn’t have a pad, I used a blanket instead. She instructed me to lay down and slowly stretch my arms. Now this was my kind of exercise – pretending I’m working out when I’m actually doing nothing at all. As I did the stretches I could feel the muscles in my shoulders and arms relax and the knots loosen. Maybe yoga really did work after all.
Right as I was feeling comfortable, she had to throw a wrench in things. The next thing I knew she had me bending my body in half and doing some sort of girl push-ups. The push-ups part of this exercise was easy enough but bending my body in half was another story. My back was screaming at my mind, “What are you doing, you idiot? You can’t even touch your toes on a good day; what do you think you’re doing?”
I survived workout two and was actually feeling pretty good about it, but things only went downhill from there. Workout three was all about the lower body. It was a very deceptive workout.
She had me relaxing on my back again, when out of nowhere, she flips her body into an upside down V. I stared at the TV screen in amazement, pretty sure that my body could not do that without an ensuing trip to the emergency room. I didn’t think it was possible for anybody to bend their body into an upside down V, but she did it and made it seem as natural as sitting.
I tried bending like that and screamed in mortal agony as my legs, back, stomach, arms and even my toes, protested in pain. The best I could manage was a strange U shape, and even that was quite painful.
I gave up on that particular exercise immediately. The problem was, she kept doing it over and over again. I learned that this is one of the fundamental positions of yogalates.
Yogalates involves a tremendous amount of stretching and light muscular exercises. While none of it is overly strenuous, it does take some concentration and determination. Your body gets the exercise it needs minus the sweat and great strain other exercises seem to impose. It is relaxing and beneficial at the same time.
After three workouts of yogalates, I was done.
I can honestly say by the time I finished, I felt good. I tried touching my toes and, to my amazement, I could do it with ease. My body felt like it had had a good workout, but at the same time, I felt completely relaxed.
My past experience with exercise has always been one of pain and suffering for days afterward.
Not so with yoga. I still feel good from it. I think I might have made a major breakthrough in finding a sport that’s right for me. If you have felt frustration at not being able to find a workout or sport that works for you, try yogalates. It might sound a bit strange, but in the end you’ll feel better – as soon as you can bend your leg back from behind your head.
Seth Hawkins is a sophomore majoring in public relations. Lifetime subscriptions to his fan club can be sent to sethhawkins@cc.usu.edu