COLUMN: My heartfelt predictions for this year
“Time flies.” It seems everywhere I go nowadays I hear this tumble smoothly out of somebody’s lips.
I just don’t see the logic. I personally don’t feel time moves at an abnormally quick rate just because I glance over at my calendar and, HOLY CRAP! IT’S 2011 ALREADY!
All right, so maybe time does fly after all. At times the adage is true that life seems to move so fast that it can be easy to miss some of the world’s most memorable events.
Is this reality-base phenomenon possible to avoid? Yes, but we all know it’s going to happen, so for that reason I’ve decided to make it easier on the student body and give you my heart-felt predictions for 2011, (and by “heart-felt” I mean “thought-of-this-morning-while-eating-frosted-shredded-wheat”). Here you have it in five simple categories.
1. News – The world of news is going to experience a myriad of head-spinning changes in 2011, with more twists and turns than are physically imaginable.
Okay, so in reality pretty much nothing is going to change. The grass will still be green, our president will still look like Sam the Eagle from the Muppets and the Middle East will be filled with more hatred than “Jersey Shore” brute Pauly D after a few spiked Hawaiian Punches.
I truly only predict two major changes. First, in an effort to force Wisconsin to secede from the union, there will be a major tax on cheese, leading to the extremist “Cheese Party,” laden with people in yellow zootsuits and signs that say “Give me BRIE-dom or give me death!” Second, a World War will ensue, each side of militia based solely on what side of their toast they prefer their butter to be spread.
2. Sports – The sporting world will see a massive reformation. Over half of the athletes in all sports will be banned from competition due to failed drug tests dawned by the discovery of a natural steroids in nectarines, grapes and most flavors of Newman’s Own salad dressing.
As far as winners and losers, the Lakers will win the NBA title, and Houston will win the NCAA basketball championship when Hakeem Olajuwon somehow rejoins the team. The Philadelphia Phillies will defy all odds when their juggernaut pitching rotation somehow wins two World Series titles in the same year. Rafael Nadal, for the third straight year, will win the award for “most dangerous man with a headband,” and Tiger Woods, in an act that silences all critics, will announce he is an avid fan of “Phineas and Ferb.”
3. Entertainment – Mass celebrations will flood the streets, cheers and fireworks abroad, when singer Ke$ha’s parents finally decide to ground her. The well-anticipated return of The Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block will be a smashing hit, until both bands lose credibility when they comment in a pop-culture magazine that they are “Bigger than Moses.”
Johnny Depp will star in eight movies only viewed by women over the age of 36 and the small screen world will fall on its ear with the premiere of a new hit TV show “Table,” consisting completely of 14 episodes of John Krazinski eating a waffle.
4. Things that are awesome – Outside of the star-studded release of “Psych: On Broadway!” we will see several awesome things in 2011, namely mole-hair extensions, the opening of fried chicken buffets, jet-propelled Segway scooters and Iowa naming the Snuggie their state blanket. The only thing keeping the year from piling higher in awesomeness: the return of pogs.
And finally…
5. Everyone’s favorite columnist – And no, I’m not talking about Statesman music columnist Colin Mitchell, I am speaking, of course, of myself. By the end of 2011, Steve Schwartzman, though shocking to most readers, will most likely still be single, a mix of insanity and huskiness (I call it “huskanity”) and probably will still be 5-foot-9. But keep an eye out for my soon-to-be magnificent YouTube series. I have no idea what it will be about, or who will be involved, but it will be entitled “Adventures in Ping Pong.” Coming soon!
And there we have it. Here’s to a fantabulous 2011, and if you feel these predictions will take a differing route, well … enjoy being wrong. If you still think I’m wrong, then we’ll just have to wait until December. See y’all next week.
– steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu