COLUMN: Nightmares are nothing
I have this recurring nightmare that I am going to wake up one night to find the Relief Society burning a giant Jell-O mold on my front lawn while chanting “throw out your marshmallows or we’re coming in!” It’s a scene reminiscent of the peasants storming the castle of Dr. Frankenstein, but I’m sure everyone has that nightmare.
I have this alternate nightmare that my home is surrounded by feral cats that all snore, but I’m sure you’ve all had that one too.
Freud would probably have a different interpretation, but I’m pretty sure it’s caused by equal parts guilt, over-active imagination, and too much political pontificating in the news. Midterm elections down, let the real games begin. Re-elect Gore! Vote for Bush. He’s so lifelike! More nightmares to come I can tell.
That’s OK, though. I welcome nightmares because real life is far more frightening. I doubt Stephen King could concoct anything scarier than a bunch of overpaid politicians using federal campaign funds to run on Copy Ed 11/21/02 a? platform of reduced government interference. It’s sort of like Copy Ed 11/21/02 or McDonald’s? MacDonald’s promoting vegetarianism. And while I’m on the subject of stupidity, why are free-range chickens a good thing and free-range cattle a bad thing?
Life is downright scary and we need to deal with it. We spend too much time trying Copy Ed 11/21/02 to? make doing the laundry fun, exercise easy and TV news entertaining. If life were just one big non-fat chocolate cheesecake, Dr. Kevorkian wouldn’t have a waiting line.
I’ve visited a couple of cities recently that have gone to ridiculous lengths to turn drudgery into fun. There apparently are a growing number of laundromats that are also bars — “suds and suds,” “three dry sheets to the wind” or “sloshed and washed” — something like that. As if combining two mind-numbing activities will somehow bring life into balance.
I propose that it makes more sense to take the opposite approach. We’re expending too much energy trying to avoid pain. Like Zen masters, we should embrace it. Given the hectic pace of life today, we should combine negative experiences to get out of the way quicker.
No, not scheduling the Democratic and Republican conventions back-to-back. I’ve been thinking the market is ripe for an auto repair/dentist combo. If you’re having your transmission worked on, why not get your teeth cleaned while you’re waiting? If you’re going in for a filling, go ahead and get a tune-up at the same time. You can lie about how much you floss and how often you changed the oil at the same time.
But why stop there? I’m sure the IRS would like to get in on the act. You could have your taxes done while you’re under anesthesia. Nobody understands the tax laws anyway, and there might even be a way to work in a deduction for mileage and medical services. Just think how much fun it will be to answer all those personal deduction questions with one half of your face numb.
Just think, if you could schedule a root canal, an audit and a valve job for the same day, wouldn’t the rest of your life seem ridiculously easy after that?
Dennis Hinkamp’s column appears every Friday in The Statesman. Comments can be sent to him at slightlyoffcenter@attbi.com.