COLUMN: No guns and swords? Settle for pies
Every year in November, millions of people pause to salute events that daily occupy their minds. Focusing on ways to promote a culture of friendliness, a society based on environmental consideration and simply a community of comfort and joy, these individuals, like Blaine and John, dedicate one day a year to celebrate World Toilet Day.
Beginning in 2001, the World Toilet Organization has promoted effective toilet use procedures by holding annual international summits and creating a new holiday held on Nov. 19 every year. Saddened that I barely missed this year’s potty-centered party, I decided to find out the current theme by visiting worldtoilet.org.
I was hoping for a debate on the adage most commonly used in toilet lore, “If it’s yellow, let it mellow, if it’s brown, flush it down.” Unfortunately, the newest focus for the organization is just on bathroom etiquette; although I’m sure many suggestions would prove valuable to owners of those hole-in-the-wall, sketchy gas stations that seem to be found all over New Jersey.
Some of the helpful etiquette tips include these (I’m not making them up): Teach children to aim properly, wipe the toilet seat after use, and praise owners for well-kept toilets. Another good suggestion from toilet enthusiasts is to not be seated too long, because the person outside is just as anxious as you were before. Here’s a valuable hint to help remember that last tip: The real definition of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are.
By far, my favorite tip has to be, “Give suggestions to the owner on how to make the toilet more cheerful and user friendly.” I can’t count how many times I’ve had the urge to go, but upon entering the chamber of relief, I just got disheartened and depressed. If only owners would put exciting quotes on the bathroom door like “Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have crappy time,” or “Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.” Fun pictures of kitties in Thanksgiving costumes would also help me get through my “experience” with a smile.
Worldtoilet.org also has a member forum where folks from around the globe can discuss the imperative needs of their daily “unloading” sessions. Interesting topics in the forum include comparisons of toilet styles in different countries and postulations on the lack of advertisements appearing in urinals. Plus, I can’t forget perhaps the most heated debate in all of lavatory history: Reasons why women and men can never agree on the position of the toilet seat during non-use periods.
I discovered the World Toilet Organization motto, “It’s Everybody’s Business” and was concerned that we as Americans don’t work hard in the advancement of toilet issues. Perhaps the lack of action stems from the haphazard way our government officials get elected and subsequently fail to enact legislature dealing with “everybody’s business.”
Take a look at the recent Washington Terrace, Utah mayoral election as an example. After general voting resulted in a tie, the decision to elect Mark Allen to a third term was made by rolling dice. Even more amazing is the fact that Allen defeated his opponent by merely rolling a 5! Leaving whether or not important toilet-related discussions and actions will occur to the roll of dice is a large gamble, especially when it deals with severely important humanitarian issues.
Why should we as citizens waste time worrying about secret ballots and pregnant chads? Each community should devise a creative and effective way to place representatives in office. I voice full support in recalling an American Gladiator style of competition to determine group leaders. Who wouldn’t want a mayor that could swing from rings, effectively joust with pugil sticks, shoot all sorts of weapons, climb walls, and tackle really buff dudes like Nitro and Laser?
I guess there could be more cost-effective ways to get someone in office, like playing chess, dodge ball, or my absolute favorite, the good old-fashioned duel. The survivor gets elected and the loser – well, we won’t talk about the loser, but just make sure you have some black clothes in your wardrobe.
A more competition-based, election-deciding system would also help bolster our economy by using major sponsors. If Logan happened to decide on a hamburger-eating contest to determine a new mayor, then people like Doug Thompson and Darla Clark could be sponsored by McDonald’s or Burger King and the whole event could be promoted by “Beef: It’s What’s for Dinner.”
I guess my point is that during the hubbub of the upcoming holiday season, take some time to remember the important issues in life, because you may not know where or when you may next get the comfortable opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Garrett Wheeler is an engineering graduate student. He fully realizes that a form of the word toilet has occurred at least 25 times in his column this week. I guess that makes it his crappiest column ever! For cleaner topics, e-mail him suggestions at wheel@cc.usu.edu.