Column: Not Quite Nietzsche
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s cold outside. This weather is why Utah State recruits in the summer. Don’t let all the rhetoric about fall and spring semesters being the most popular fool you.
Had I taken a campus tour on a day like today, I’d probably be enrolled at Arizona State. Incoming freshmen are dumb, but I’d like to think that even they aren’t dumb enough to be swayed by the following tour of campus:
Guide: On your left, you will see a giant snow drift where the Quad once was, and to your right is the student center, currently obstructed by fog. If you could see underneath the coats, scarves, hats, mittens and thermals, you’d find the smiling faces of our student body.
Incoming freshmen: Ooh, Aah. Our extremities are frostbitten, but our hearts are warm.
On second thought, maybe incoming freshmen really are that dumb. But that’s beside the point.
Whatever our individual paths may be, we have brought this upon ourselves, and this week I’ve taken it upon myself to provide a winter survival guide. Don’t expect any clever tips on starting a fire or building a snow cave.
After my unfortunate excommunication from the Boy Scouts of America, I lost all of my tangible skills. That’s why I’m an English major. But fear not. In place of those clever tips, I offer clever quips aimed at preparing your mental and emotional selves for six months hard enough to convince even the most fundamentalists among you that Hell is a cold place.
For starters, winter is a great time to get married. In fact, everyone I know has become engaged in the last three weeks.
The reason? Nobody wants to leave their houses when it’s cold outside and the only way to keep hold on even a semblance of a social life is to bring the party to you – permanently.
What self-respecting girl would turn down a proposal from the first breathing human being she’d seen in three months?
Gone is the need for personality, financial security and good looks. All a boy needs for a successful winter courtship is a wedding ring and a pulse.
Did you know that a recent study rated Logan as the safest city in the United States? It’s true and the winter is to thank. Not even the fires of passion can warm this arctic climate, and that keeps murder rates at a cool low.
I suppose there are times when we’re all angry enough to assault someone, but I, for one, just haven’t found a way to beat the tar out of a person while bundled up like the poor kid from “A Christmas Story.”
Finally, winter is a haven of sorts for fashion incompetents like myself. When else are you allowed to wear sweats all day?
The beanie is an excuse not to do my hair and it is these few months of winter that transform the caveman beard from bad fashion into a dashingly attractive evolutionary statement to the effect of, “My genes will survive.”
This may not be much consolation, but it’s all we’ve got. This life’s too short and this town’s too cold to get down about it. Stay warm, be strong and I’ll see you after spring thaw.
Zach Pendleton is a junior majoring in English. Send any comments to
zpendleton@cc.usu.edu