Column: Not Quite Nietzsche
I think I speak for all of us when I say that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s stroke came as a surprise. In the fast-paced world of modern politics I had to come to terms with the idea that a state head could be shot or caught by a camera while wearing an unflattering bathing suit, but the stroke was completely unexpected. Especially considering Israel.
We’ve all heard about how unsafe the Middle East is, but the political unrest, violent attacks, and socioeconomic troubles are apparently nothing compared to the poor health care. So the message is clear: if you’re worried about being shot, don’t go to Chicago, but if you’ve got a concern about rupturing a blood vessel in your brain you’d better stay out of Israel.
The whole affair has had me glued to my TV, and since it happened I can’t help but wonder what caused it.
The stroke could have been due to his weight, the stress Sharon was obviously under, or could even have been the terrible plot of Palestinian terrorists. And while these all sound pretty good, I think I figured out the real reason. Do you think it is a coincidence that Ariel Sharon’s stroke coincided with the beginning of the new semester?
I seem to manage a small-scale nervous breakdown at the beginning of every semester and have just discovered that all of these years, while I thought I was alone in my neurosis, I had a compatriot in Israel’s Prime Minister. A day full of syllabi, new faces, and professors all assuring you that their class-whether it be Predator-Prey Interaction or Motorcycle Riding-will be the most important class you ever take is enough to have me breathing in a paper bag and praying I don’t pass out.
Knowing that an established world leader shares in my affliction is a major comfort. I’m still not quite sure why it attacked him in his old age, but think he must have been taking correspondence courses. When I found out I had to pay an extra $350 in fees for an online course I almost had a stroke too. But that isn’t my only evidence.
His political ideology has gone from left to center, and my conservative friends all assure me that college will do that to a person.
Either way I hope that he gets better soon, because I could really use a friend who is as terrified of the semester’s start as I am. I still can’t explain what happens every school year, but after successfully avoiding the urge to run away for fifteen consecutive years of education I feel like I’m starting to get a grasp on my situation.
It helps, of course, that I discovered after some basic research that the few places in the world without any kind of school really wouldn’t be much fun to live in. Yet if Ariel Sharon suffers from this debilitating affliction there must be others, and to those I say: take hope and not blood thinners. If that doesn’t work, we can always move to Nauru. Here’s to life as a coconut farmer.
Zach Pendleton is a junior majoring in English. Any questions for comment may be sent to ZPendelton@cc.usu.edu